


Feral Hearts

by AjaxsPrincess



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: A Few Original Planets Used, Alcohol, Angst, Child Death, Drama, Eventual Romance, F/M, First Chapter OOC Event will make sense later, Force Bond (Star Wars), Humor, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Love Triangles, POV Female Character, Psychological Torture, Some Fluff, Strong Female Characters, Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2019-03-14 16:29:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 26,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13593972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AjaxsPrincess/pseuds/AjaxsPrincess
Summary: All Alyssnadra wanted to do was spend her days working on ships at her body shop, and her nights at the bar to drown out the incessant voices (oh the joys of being Force sensitive). That all changed the night a certain General and Commander walked into her favorite bar...





	1. Friends In Low Places

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! This is my first Fic I’ve ever posted (I hope you like it). It has been posted on FanFic, but I wanted to not be so limited with what I could put in this story. It will definitely be darker and more mature later on (in case you’ve previously read it). I still plan on posting weekly. Anyways, enjoy!

  **Friends In Low Places**

You know... All I had wanted was to enjoy drinking myself into a lovely drunken stupor at my favorite bar this side of the galaxy (which was located on an unknown hell hole called Kazan, somewhere between Jakku and Rakata Prime). Considering the surprisingly luscious primal landscape that seemed to awkwardly clash with all of the high tech buildings and cityscapes, one would almost expect for Kazan to be some sort of paradise. Which is horribly wrong, it was an eat or be eaten planet with literally something around almost every corner ready to kill you. I was lucky enough, I guess lucky, depends on your point of view, to be one of the superior species living on this planet and well attuned to the force (hence my incessant drinking, it would help when the whole being able to hear people's thoughts crap would get too overwhelming). Although, having my own mini army of Jawas working at my body shop, which how the hell they ended up on Kazan was beyond me, also helped to hinder other inhabitants of this planet from messing with me or my shop.

Right, back to how my night of leisurely drinking turned in to one giant pain in my ass all thanks to an obnoxious ginger and his idiotic Darth Vader super fan.

One hour earlier...

"Alavander seriously? You're trying to give me wine from Corusant? That's like basically water to me you know." I groan out with an exasperated sigh, I mean he couldn't be serious right? I told him I wanted to literally not be able to remember my name by the end of the night. Work had been great recently with scavengers and outlaws coming to our fair city of Laazna, trying to escape the First Order, so inevitably many of the visitors needed their ships tuned up or in some cases completely repaired. "Vander... I told you money isn't an problem so give me your best!" I sighed, almost to the point of whining. "Alyss... you've literally drank two whole bottles of Kashyyyk liquor which would knock out a Wookiee!"Alavander ran a hand through his messy red and black locks narrowing his red eyes as he stared me down. Feeling my face heat up and refusing to back down," Correct, it would knock out a Wookiee, which I am not so obliviously I am in need of something stronger... plus I thought we were friends? Not to mention my drinking habits happen to help fund a large portion of your bar." Sighing in defeat, Alavander moved to the top shelf of his dark chrome cabinet behind the bar and pulled out a bottle of... well I actual don't have a damn clue, the label was really dark which didn't help in the dimly lit, smokey bar.

Perking up at the chance to try a drink I had never seen before, I couldn't contain my child like excitement "What's this?!" I asked leaning so far over the counter my bare stomach that was exposed from my dark red short sleeved shorts jumper, was now pressed up against the bar. Chuckling,"It's a shine from Naos, supposed to be potent enough to knock out a Hut with one swig." Alavander slid the bottle my way.

Nearly breaking the bottle neck as I ripped off the cap, I take a whiff. Whoo this was definitely a hell of a lot stronger than what I had been downing earlier, swirling the neon pink liquid I took a swig. "Holy hell!" I coughed. Alavander was cracking up,"What sweetheart can't handle it?". Laughing I take another swig getting more accustomed to the delightful burn. "My friend, this is why I love you!" I rebuked jovially.

Finally starting to relax, the bar door bursts open allowing entrance to two figures followed by a couple of stormtroopers. Not particularly giving a crap about who had just come in or why, I continued to happily indulge myself until the next thing I know a gloved hand has been placed on the bar next to me. Not wanting to get involved in a damn thing, I keep my eyes on Alavander as the man begins to ask the barkeep questions in regards to potential rebels in the area.

"Have you had anyone from the Resistance enter your bar with in the last few days?" The man questioned before removing his hand from the bar and placing it behind his back. "We had an individual that came in who seemed rather questionable, but no one outright said they were with the Resistance." "Hm, very well, we will search the surrounding areas," he nodded to the 'troopers signaling to start their search.

The other individual covered in head to toe black robes would not stop staring at me through his ridiculous mask, which was really starting to piss me off. "Are you just going to stand there staring at me all night, or what?" I quipped turning to glare at the man. The first man who had sent off the stormtroopers looked as though his green eyes were about to bulge out of his pale, ginger head at my words. Keeping his gaze unrelenting the masked man let out a chuckle which was distorted by the modulator,"My you have quite a mouth don't you. You've no idea who we are do you?" Turning my electric blue eyes back to the bar ahead of me, "Don't know, don't care." I replied nonchalantly. The ginger man looked as though his head was going to explode from rage at my response,"I am General Hux of The First Order and this is Commander Kylo Ren!"

I took another swig,"Yep, don't care." Hux looked as though he was about to pull out his blaster at any second and shoot me. Then I felt it, before I even had time to think I pulled the General's head down into my chest successfully moving him out of the way of the blaster fire that had nearly left the man with an extra hole in his head. I reached down pulling a blade from my boot, throwing it in the direction of the blast, nailing the assailant right between the eyes. The entire bar had fallen silent, with the exception of the body hitting the floor and the hum of the red lightsaber that was unsheathed.

Looking down I realized I still had the General's head stuffed in my chest on my tube top that was exposed from wearing my jumper open. "Will you release me?!" The General barked flustered with a lovely red hue beginning to creep upon his face. Kylo Ren retracted his lightsaber, and was once again staring at me,"Your skills are impressive, who are you?" 

Before I was forced to answer, the stormtroopers from earlier came barging in relying information about more rebel whereabouts. As the two men began to leave I couldn't bite my tongue, and shouted a sarcastic "You're Welcome!" The General's way. Once they finally left I went back to my bottle trying pretend that annoying ordeal had never happened. The last thing I wanted was to be involved in a stupid war that I had no interest being apart of.


	2. Found You

**Found You**

It had been three days since the bar incident, had it not been for the pounding headache the following day I would have thought it was all just some bizarre dream. I couldn't help but wonder who the rebels had been and had they been someone who's ship I worked on? I shuddered at the thought of what would happen if the First Order thought I was assisting the rebels. Perhaps I should rethink my no questions asked policy...

I was completely lost in thought while repairing the repulsarlift on the skiff that had been completely destroyed for my current client, that I didn't hear the arrival of the two men in my shop.

"Ahem!" General Hux cleared his throat loudly enough to shake me out of my musings. Perhaps if I just continue working they will somehow magically just disappear... "Girl are you deaf?" Hux spat from my lack of reaction. Turning my head towards the man, with my goggles down covering half my face, "Unfortunately not, otherwise I wouldn't have to listen to your obnoxious voice." I shot back with venom. "Alyssandra is it? You are coming with us." The modulated voice of Kylo Ren broke the tension between Hux and I.

"And what makes you think I'd ever do that? Although I'm impressed you got my name from someone." I had threatened almost every damn person on this planet at least once, when I find out who gave the First Order my name, they're so dead. "What could you possibly want from me?" That's when it started, the dull ache that transformed into a raging headache. I could hear Hux's thoughts almost screaming in my head, _I can't believe this woman! Or the fact that Supreme Leader wants us to bring this junk rat before him. Just because she has been rumored to use the force? Ridiculous..._ "Just shut up!" I screamed clamping my hands over my ears hoping that his thoughts would return to just being in his head instead of both of ours. Taken aback from the outburst, Hux turned to Kylo "Ren, I do not think this is a good idea to take such an unstable individual with us." "Snoke wants the girl and we'll bring her, by any means necessary." The modulated voice replied.

Hux's thoughts had finally stopped filling my head, but the throbbing was still there. Trying to find any sort of relief I could from the headache, I tore my goggles off and pulled out my ponytail letting my dark hair extend its full length to my hip. Trying to steady my voice and my thoughts,"Again what do you want with me?" Refusing to concede to what they were asking of me, since it was highly likely I'd somehow end up dead if I went with them.

Kylo came closer to the platform I was slouched over on, "Supreme Leader Snoke was informed of the incident at the bar and given information from other sources about your abilities. You would be a great asset to the First Order". "Let me guess I don't have a choice in the matter do I?" I groaned. "Unless you'd preferred to be labeled as a rebel sympathizer and be executed." Hux deadpanned.

"Fine, but my Jawas are to be unharmed and my shop goes to them, understood? If you do anything to them I will kill you without hesitation." Gently raising myself off the platform floor dusting off my dark red silk like cargo pants and my black tube top. Lowering the platform to the ground level I dismounted and walked towards the two men. "Do you plan on changing in to something more appropriate?" Hux quipped eying me up and down. "Considering you're kidnapping me? No, you can deal with it." I shot back, grabbing a rag to wipe the oil off my slightly tan skin and off the dragon tattoo that encircled my navel.

"Your requests will be met now let's go." Kylo Ren said before turning on his heel to lead the way to the transporter located outside the shop. Hux waited until I followed Kylo before following suit and keeping an eye on me from behind on the off chance I'd try to run (like that would actually do anything at this point but get me killed faster than my mouth likely would).

There were a few stormtroopers stationed out in front of the transporter, waiting with the ramp already lowered for us to board. Kylo first, then myself and Hux followed by the 'troopers. Taking my seat beside the Commander I couldn't help but wonder what exactly he looked like under that mask. The ramp closed and we were off.

Again my thoughts drifted to black clad man beside me, was he ugly? Was he hot? Does it make it any better if he was attractive? It really shouldn't, but I'd be kind of more ok with this situation if he was... ok yep I'm horrible. I mean Hux is handsome minus the sour expression he wears most of the time. I let out a sigh letting my thoughts continue to wander until I noticed Kylo was facing me unmoving. Fabulous my captor most likely heard my thoughts about him and the General... this will definitely end well. Not moving from his position I couldn't bite my tongue any longer "What? You are staring at my face right? I mean the whole mask thing, you could be staring at my boobs without me knowing which is extremely rude you know." "Perhaps you should have changed into something less revealing" I heard General Hux breathe out in such a low whisper I almost thought I had imagined it.

"Mind your thoughts girl." Was the only thing Kylo Ren said before turning back to face forward once again. After what seemed like an eternity, we were finally landing, the ramp lowered with a hiss. Slowly getting up and following both Hux and Kylo Ren out of the transporter, I couldn't help the words that escaped my mouth taking in the sights of the Star Destroyer hanger "Holy shit..."


	3. You Can’t Out Run The Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains violence and torture.

**You Can't Out Run The Past**

I was awestruck by the sheer magnitude of the Star Destroyer hanger. TIE fighters lined the walls, transporters were scattered about being worked on, and then I saw it. One of the most magnificent ships I'd ever seen, a TIE Silencer. I couldn't take my eyes off it, I was so lost taking in my surroundings I hadn't realized I had stopped walking. "Girl! Stop dawdling and come here!" The General barked. Breathing out a heavy sigh I obliged, "I have a name you know." I shot back as I resumed my spot walking between the General and the Commander. Completely ignoring my remark we walked in silence down the maze of corridors, which I have no idea how anyone got around on this thing, until we came to a large door.

My heart was pounding in my chest, I was about to meet the man I had heard horror stories about trying to take control of the galaxy. Kylo Ren punched in the code on the key pad revealing a large room with a red back drop. There was a walkway leading to a platform upon which was the metal throne that Supreme Leader Snoke sat upon. I continued between the two men through the door and down the walkway, we stopped where the walkway met the platform.

"Come forth girl." The Supreme Leader drawled as he motioned for me to move closer. It took a minute for my legs to move, I stepped forward three feet not wanting to stray too far from the General and Commander. I felt far more comfortable being with those two than I did with the man in front of me.

"So...you're the girl who protected the General, and from what I've heard, wiped out an entire base when you were only 16..." The Supreme Leader lazily drawled out as he eyed me up and down. _How did he know about that? No one had ever found out about what happened on the Separatist base._ "How... how did you?" I couldn't even form a coherent sentence.

Chuckling and sitting up slightly Snoke out stretched his right hand in my direction, and that's when I felt it. He was trying to probe my mind while he attempted to pull me closer to him. Gritting my teeth I fought back, I wasn't going to give in! I pushed back trying to create a wall against Snoke. Laughing darkly at my resistance, "You are quite impressive! To be able to resist me! Haha I can't wait to see what else you are capable of! You can't keep this up for much longer." He was right, my body was slowly being dragged in his direction. The pain had started to form in my head, he was breaking through my mental barrier. Exerting the Force this much was taking a toll on my body, I was shaking. Then I lost it. Snoke broke through. My body flew towards his hovering over the steps, he had me suspended a foot off the ground. "Let's see what's in that head of yours." Before I could protest the pain in my head amplified causing me to scream. Next thing I know he was in my memories to when I was 10 and my life changed...

_I can't make a sound or they'll find me. I was hiding in a closet, my little form was shaking. I didn't know who these men were or where they came from. My mom had stowed me away in here before the men came bursting through the door. My mother came into the room I was hiding in, blaster in hand. They had her cornered, she was doing her best to try and distract them from finding me. Everything seemed so surreal, I couldn't make out what they were saying. Then it happened, the blaster fire hit my mom and she fell to the floor. I tried so hard to hold in the sobs that shook my chest. "Find the daughter!" One of the men shouted. Next thing I know the closet doors were ripped open and I was dragged out screaming past my mother's body through the house towards the front door where my father's body lay..._

We then jumped to another memory to when I was 16...

_How long had I been held captive here on this base? Was it six years? I had lost track being locked in this cell. I looked down at the chains locked around my ankles, wrists and neck along with all the bruises and dried blood that covered my body. My cloths were basically rags at this point that barely hung on my body. I heard the door open and knew it was him before I looked up. Royoi opened the cell door, and stood before me. His blue eyes matched his hair and looked almost like ice against his pale skin. He was attractive but so cold and callous, he was terrifying. Just seeing him sent a chill through my veins, I couldn't imagine the horrors he had planned for me today. "Oh my dear, just accept your fate and join us. You could help me rule the galaxy one day, you have an untapped strength hidden in you. I'm merely trying to make you better... stronger than the filth that inhabits the galaxy..." he brushed his hand against my cheek. "Go fuck yourself..." I had managed to weakly retort. Laughing he tugged the chain at my neck dragging me to my feet. "You've left me no choice, this will either make you the unstoppable killing machine you were meant to be or it'll kill you... let's see which one it'll be shall we?" Within an instant he pulled out the blade from behind his back and plunged into my chest. The pain was incredible I looked down blood pouring out of the wound and coming up my throat. Royoi ripped the blade from my chest making a sickening squishing sound. He dropped my body to the floor and my vision was going red, I tried to move but couldn't. Blood started to pool around me and the metallic taste in my mouth made me gag. This is it, this was my end, at least it was finally going to be over. I closed my eyes waiting for everything to stop, but instead I felt a searing pain in my chest. Like the damaged muscles, flesh and bone were melting back together. It felt like my body was on fire, I tried screaming but nothing would come out. Then everything went black. When I awoke I felt a strength that I never knew I had. I stood up and pulled at my restraints snapping them like they were nothing. I walked up to the cell door and willed it to be ripped off its hinges. That burn that I felt earlier was still there but felt more like it was a part of me. The guards came running towards me and I incinerated them. I had no idea how I had managed to do so but the flames came out of my body in a torrent of fiery waves..._

"Please stop..." I begged Snoke tears pouring down my cheeks. "We were just getting to something interesting..." and he delved back in to my mind.

_Everything was in flames. The whole base was burning, explosions popping up over the grounds from the equipment burning. I had killed everyone except for him. I saved him for last. "Well done Alyss! This is what you were born to be! With you we shall rule the galaxy!" I took a step towards Royoi, feeling numb like everything was a dream. I had found the blade he stabbed me with, "I'm going to make you pay for what you've done to me." My voice didn't even sound like me, so devoid of emotion. I threw the blade at him, hitting him in the stomach. I walked up to his doubled over form and grabbed his face with my right hand using the powers that had awoken in me to hold his body in place. "You deserve so much more pain than this for what you've done... but... this will do..." The flames left my hand and melted his face and entire body. Everything was engulfed in red, I walked through the flames towards the forest..._

I couldn't take it anymore, the rage for Snoke making me relive my past started to boil over and the heat that I had not used in 10 years started to well up inside of me. Flames swirled around my body as I tried to once again put up a barrier with the force. I lashed out at Snoke, who dropped me to the ground. "Haha well done General and my Apprentice! You have brought a wonderful new addition to the First Order!" Snoke grinned staring down at my shaking form. "Kylo Ren you will be responsible for her training, now take her away."

Before I could protest my body was being lifted off the ground, and I was pressed up against the Commander's chest as he carried me bridal style out of the room. My head started to have the dull ache again and General Hux's thoughts were once again now in my head. _What is this girl? How was she able to resist the Supreme Leader! And what did he see in her past..._ I saw the quick shadow of worry pass his features as he stared down at me. Pressing my head further against Kylo's chest trying to ease the pain I felt him stiffen ever so slightly. When the ache became unbearable, lifted my arm and latched on to his tunic pressing my face firmly into his chest until everything went black. A second before I passed out I could have sworn I heard the Commander's breath hitch ever so slightly...


	4. Girl Will Be Girls

**Girls Will Be Girls**

When I came to, I was on something soft and warm. Nuzzling my face into the soft surface I relished how quiet it was in my head and the absence of pain. I was afraid if I opened my eyes the reality of the nightmare I just had to re-endure would all come flooding back to me. The knock on the door broke my silent revery, sighing I slowly opened my eyes and took in my surroundings. I was on a queen sized bed covered in black sheets. The room was what one would expect from being on a Star Destroyer, the furniture was black with a couch on one side of the room, a dresser, table, closet and another door that I assumed lead to the refresher. The room was actually larger than I was expecting for someone like me. A second, harsher knock on the door lead me to believe it was probably the General or the Commander on the other side and they were growing impatient. Although, since the door hadn't yet been sliced down by a lightsaber, my guess was the General.

I walked over punching the button on the door frame causing the door to slide open with a hiss. To my surprise it was the Commander looming on the other side, not the General. "To what do I owe the visit?" Crossing my arms in front of me trying to be as nonchalant as possible. "Step aside." The modulated voice ordered. Letting out an exasperated sigh, I threw my arms down and moved to sit on the bed. "Ok Commander Ren, what do you want with me?" Closing the door behind him, Kylo turned in my direction and stared with his expressionless mask. After a few moments Kylo threw a bag at me, hitting me square in the chest. "What the hell?!" As tempted as I was to throw it right back in his face I knew that would definitely not end well. "Your training starts today. Get dressed and meet me at the coordinates on your datapad. You have one hour." With that Kylo was a swirling black mass of robes exiting my room.

Dumbfounded and honestly confused, I pulled open the bag to find what could be described as a sort of spandex pants, a sports bra, shoes, a top, and datapad which were all of course black. Taking one look at the hideously shaped top I knew there was no way in hell I was wearing it. Opting to go sports bra and weird spandex only, I headed to the refresher to get cleaned up and changed.

Before leaving my room, I'd pulled my hip length dark hair into a bun leaving my long side parted bangs down. I grabbed the datapad opening the message sent from Commander Ren with the instructions on where to go. Walking down the halls of the ship nothing looked familiar at all. Granted yeah this thing was huge, but I'm almost certain it was completely different from the one I was on with Snoke. Taking what felt like the 50th right I passed some officers who stared at me as if I was a Rancor walking around loose. So maybe not wearing the ugly shirt was a bad idea, since I was technically on a military base and I was wandering around in a sports bra, this probably wasn't my brightest idea. Finally, after another left I reached the door to the training room. I punched in the passcode Commander Ren had given me and waited with bated breath as the door slid open.

The room was large with dark mats across the floor, various training weapons and equipment lined the walls, along with a multitude of training droids. Commander Ren was standing in the middle of the room motionless as I entered. "I see you were able to find your way here. I was not sure if you were competent enough to follow instructions, since you seem to not understand how you are to address me."

"Are you serious?! And yet you wonder why I talk to you the way I do!" I hadn't realized I had stormed up him my chest barely coming up to his, due to him being a foot taller than me. Reaching out he grabbed my throat with his hand squeezing tightly, "You will respect your master." He released me causing me to stumble coughing, trying to catch my breath. "We will be working on hand to hand combat today..."

Several hours later I was absolutely exhausted, covered in sweat, bits of blood, and definitely a fair share of bruises. "T...that's it... I'm done... I can't... I can't take anymore..." I huffed hunched over with my hands on my knees panting, hair falling in a mess over my face. "You will be done, when I say you are done." Kylo went to land another blow to my side that I barely dodged. "Enough! I thought you were going to train me! Not destroy me! This is fucking ridiculous! All you've done is manage to beat the hell out me!" I screamed unable to control my rage anymore. I turned and started to head towards the door. "You are not dismissed!" I could feel the pull of the Force from Kylo dragging me back to him. I snapped, my body and nerves were past their breaking point, I could feel the heat start to rise in my body. Kylo put more effort into dragging me back, then I lost it. A blast of flames left my body sending him crashing into the wall. Before he could try and stop me again I was out the door.

Absolutely seething at what Kylo Ren had done to me, I rounded the corner stopping two officers in their tracks. I must have looked like a rabid Nexu from the way they were practically shaking. "Where the hell is the nearest refresher?" One officer replied shakily pointing down the hall, "The elite refresher for the training facilities is that way mam." I grumbled out a thanks and headed in said direction.

Not bothering or caring to see if anyone was in any of the other stalls, I tore my clothes off, ripped out my hair tie, and closed myself in the nearest stall. I wasn't satisfied until the water was almost scolding as I scrubbed away the sweat and blood. The bruising was becoming more apparent over my biceps, sides, and thighs. Pissed that Kylo had basically used me as a human punching bag while hardly teaching me anything, I snapped punching a hole in the tiled shower wall. I was so numb with rage from everything that had happened recently I felt no pain, nor was my hand even remotely damaged. My anger started to ebb away, I finished rinsing off and grabbed a towel to dry myself.

I wrapped the towel around myself to keep covered as I walked over to the dryers to dry my hair. "I would appreciate it if you don't take after your master, and refrain from damaging my ship in fits of rage." Startled by the male voice I turned in the direction from whence it came. "Oh... it's you General..." turning my attention back to the dryer I didn't say anything as he moved closer. " _Oh, it's you?_ You truly are like your master..." "I AM NOTHING LIKE THAT SELF RIGHTEOUS, EGOTISTICAL, POMPOUS BASTARD!" I yelled as I slammed my fists on the counter top. "So I see training went well..." Hux gestured down my body with his hand. "If you call being a living training droid good training, then it went swimmingly." I scathed back at him.

"Well you learned how detestable Ren is. That sounds like you at least gained something." Hux smirked. "Like your training would be any better?" I quipped brushing out my dried locks. "I can teach you military strategy and techniques, since I highly doubt you have any formal training." "Not unless you count what I overheard while held prisoner as a child in a separatist base. Otherwise, no." I turned to face him, leaning back against the counter. "Very well then, after the lunch cycle tomorrow meet me on the bridge. We will start there. Also do come in something relatively appropriate." Hux turned to leave. "Relatively appropriate?" I questioned. Hux stopped, smirking over his shoulder, "I'm fully aware that you are going to do as you like and wear what you please. There's no point in arguing, otherwise you'll become more defiant. Am I correct?" I chuckled, "General, you already know me so well."

Before exiting the refresher he turned my direction one more time, "Also, I'll send for a droid to bring you some clothes. I don't need you walking around my ship in a towel. No one will get anything done." With that, he left. I looked down completely forgetting I was stark naked only in a towel while the General had been in black pants and a black undershirt the entire time. "Way to go Alyss... you almost set the Commander on fire and was just now basically naked in front of the General... awesome..." I sighed sitting down on the bench waiting for the droid to come so this day could finally be over.


	5. You Don’t Need To Bother

  
**You Don’t Need To Bother**

After what felt like forever, the droid that General Hux sent for arrived with a change of clothes. Once dressed in the black tank top and sweat pants, I headed down towards my room, foregoing the dining hall. All I wanted was my bed. When I reached the door to my room I placed my hand on the pad causing the door to slide open. I was shocked, to say the least, when I found Kylo sitting in a chair in the middle of the room with elbows on his knees resting his chin on his clasped hands.

Tentatively I walked inside closing the door behind me. “Commander Ren?” I questioned unsure of what to do or say. “Where were you?” the modulated voice came out as Kylo slightly tilted his head to get a better view of me. “I was in the Elite Refesher near the training area? Why does it matter to you?” I folded my arms across my chest and leaned up against the wall refusing to get closer to the man, who hours earlier used me as a punching bag. “Why did you go there? Why did you not return to your room?” Kylo straightened up placing his hands down on his knees. _Seriously?! He beat the hell out of me, but got...well...worried? Because I didn’t return to my room immediately? This man is ridiculous!_ I let out an exasperated sigh. “I needed to let off some steam before I lost control and started to set fire to the ship. Hux already made it clear he was unhappy with me punching a hole in the shower wall...”

“Hux was with you in the refesher?” Kylo began to clench and unclench his fists. “He must have come in while I was showering, or he was already in there and I hadn’t noticed. I was rather upset, thanks.” I glared at the man in front of me. “Why exactly are you here? It’s not like you actually came to check up on me because you care. So what do you want?”

Standing up and walking closer to me, “Is that truly what you think?” “What? You expect me to believe that’s really why you came? Just to check up on me? I mean your training proved that I’m apparently inconsequential. I have to say at least Hux seems like he won’t treat me like a rag doll when he trains me in military tactics!” I was in Kylo’s face with my fists clenched, doing everything I could to stop myself from punching him.

“Is... that so? Then be ready first thing after the breakfast cycle for training. I expect you to eat everything to keep you strength up if you’re going to survive my training.” Even with the modulator I could hear the anger in his voice, and with that he stormed out of my room, door hissing closed behind him.

_Eat everything? What?..._ my eyes trailed to the dresser next to my bed. There was a tray of food and two drinks. I lifted the lid and to my surprise the food wasn’t what I’d expect on a military base. This had to be just for the higher ranking officials. I looked over to the bed and sitting atop it was a new pair of training clothes neatly folded. _Did... did he really do this? Is that why he was in here? ... Is this his version of an apology?_ With a sigh and feeling slightly guilty for how I had yelled at Kylo, I sat on the bed with the tray on my lap and began to eat as instructed. After eating, I called a droid to collect the dishes and tray, then crawled into bed still trying to make sense of why Kylo had even shown some semblance of kindness. Eventually I drifted off to a restless sleep.

The next morning I made my way to the training room unsure of what to expect from Kylo. He had left angry yesterday and there was a good chance he was going to make me pay for it today in training. I opened the door to the training room and was again welcomed to Kylo standing in the middle waiting for me. “Commander.” I nodded to the man as I approached him. When I was only a foot away from him, he held out his hand to stop me from coming any closer.

“Sit.” The modulated voice commanded. Not wanting to upset him, I obliged and sat down in front of him. “We’re going to do some mental training today, to help you better control your telepathy. You’re of no use to anyone if it over takes you making you unable to function.” _And there it is, the backhanded comments have commenced._ “Ok, so what do I do?” I asked, hiding my annoyance. Kylo joined me on the ground and started walking me through some meditations to help me get a better feel of the Force and how to control it.

After a few hours of meditation and slightly probing Kylo’s mind when instructed to do so, I started to finally feel like I was getting a grasp on things. “Now try to stay in my thoughts for a longer period of time.” As instructed, I started to listen to his thoughts again. Everything was going well, to the point we were almost able to converse both ways with just our thoughts. That was until the headache came on full swing and I was no longer listening to Kylo’s thoughts, but was thrown into his memories.

_There was a dark haired boy asleep on a cot in a small hut. A man had entered the hut, lightsaber in hand, ready to strike down the boy. Terrified, the boy grabbed a lightsaber of his own to defend himself. Then the sound of the hut crashing down from the Force being used to destroy it filled the air..._

As quickly as I had been sucked into the memory, I was back to the present. Pressing the palms of my hands to the sides of my head, “What the hell was that?!” I asked through gritted teeth. Kylo didn’t say anything, but I could feel the rage rolling off his body as he clenched and unclenched his hands. The headache struck again, but due to Kylo and I still being connected, rather than me being sucked back into his memoirs, he was in mine.

_I was chained up in the cell at the Separatists base. Only 13 years old, making another tally on the ground attempting to keep track of the days. The cell opened, a guard dragged me to my feet releasing the chains that kept me to the wall, but not the ones around my neck, wrists, and ankles. I was lead inside what looked like a training area, where a boy who looked to be about my age stood. “If either of you wish to ever leave this place, only one of you can leave this room.” With that, Royoi let out a dark chuckle. The boy in front of me grabbed the closest weapon and ran towards me... after a haze of fighting, I looked down seeing that I was covered in blood. “Alyssandra, my dear, well done! I knew you were special!” I felt numb and sick to my stomach at the same time..._

Accidentally Force pushing Kylo away from myself, I was on my hands and knees shaking from the mental intrusion. Kylo got to his feet and strode over to me, “What was that? Where were you being kept?” “That... that’s not your business... ngh...” I collapsed on the ground. The room was spinning, bile threatened to come up my throat, then everything went black.

When I awoke, I found myself once again on my bed. Trying to get my bearings, my eyes scanned the room. I was too afraid to move my head incase the pain would start again. I looked down to the foot of the bed and, to my surprise, saw Kylo sitting in a chair watching me. “Commander?” I let out weakly. “You passed out and I brought you back here for monitoring in case you should have another episode. We don’t need you harming yourself or anyone else.” I knew he was right. The fact that I had actually been able to bring him into my memories scared me. Had I reacted as I did when Snoke was in my head, I could have seriously hurt Kylo or someone else nearby. “I have informed General Hux that you are to rest for the remainder of the day. You will train with him tomorrow.” Kylo began to stand up. “Am I not training with you tomorrow?” I sat up slightly looking at him. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you sound almost disappointed.” I could hear the slightest bit of amusement in his voice. “We will resume training the day after tomorrow.” With that he exited the room.

I looked over to the dresser by the bed, and saw yet another tray of food waiting for me. This time, there were two chocolate shaped banthas on the tray. Always being one for sweets, I took a bantha and nibbled on it. It was some of the best chocolate I had ever tasted! After finishing the first chocolate bantha, I ate everything Kylo had left for me, having the last chocolate bantha as dessert. He was such a confusing man, one second he was cold and callous, the next he showed a little bit of human decency. I laid back looking at the ceiling thinking about the frightened boy I saw in Kylo’s memories. I couldn’t help but wonder again what he looks like under that mask now...


	6. What I Am, Is What I Am

**What I Am, Is What I Am**

I awoke the next morning from my datapad notifying me that I had a new message. Groggily, I rolled over on to my side and pulled the datapad off the nightstand onto the bed with me. To my surprise the message was from General Hux:

_Alyssandra,_

_I will be sending a droid over with appropriate clothing for your training today. You are to meet with me and one of my Lieutenants on the bridge in one hour, where our lessons will start. Also, since I’m sure your are still in bed and have just now woken up, I have instructed said driod to bring you rations for breakfast. The bridge coordinates have been sent to your datapad._

_I expect you to arrive on time._

_General Hux_

With a groan I closed the message and rolled on to my back. _Really, I only get an hour? And rations?_ I can’t believe it, but I think I was actually preferring Kylo for once. A knock on the door roused me from my musings, “Come in!” The door slid open and a BB-9E droid rolled in with a package sitting atop its head, “Uh you can just put...” Before I could finish my sentence, the BB unit ran in to the nightstand then the bed, and back in to the nightstand beeping out expletives with each surface it collided with. “Whoa whoa there!” I swung around to the edge of the bed and placed my hands on either side of the droid before it could hit anything else.

“Just hold still ok? Let me get that off of your head.” The droid let out a defeated thank you beep as I removed the package. I set the package on the bed and starred at the droid. “So... why did they send you? Shouldn’t you be doing something else?” The droid let out a few sad beeps before hanging its head. “What do you mean you’re defective? I don’t think so! It merely means you were meant for something else!” With that the driod chirped at me, raising its head happily. “See! That’s a much better look! Do you have a name?” The droid chirped out it’s ridiculously long serial number. “Ok so that is a horribly boring name. How about... Bebe!” I bounced on the bed overly proud at myself for the simplistic, yet cute, name. The droid chirped excitedly spinning in a circle until it accidentally ran in to the wall. I couldn’t help but laugh, “Um let’s maybe take a look at your optic systems later and your scanner too, little one.”

I patted the droid on the head then turned my attention to the package on my bed. I pulled out the clothes which consisted of a black pencil skirt, a black mid sleeve button down dress shirt, and a pair of black heels. I had to give Hux credit, he picked out an outfit I wouldn’t mind wearing and wasn’t the terrible military uniforms everyone else was wearing. _Well, I won’t be running down the hallway half naked today_ , I chuckled to myself. “Ok little one, you aren’t recording or transmitting everything you’re viewing right?” Bebe let out a string of alarmed beeps continuously reiterating that the droid was indeed NOT recording or transmitting anything to anyone. With that I hopped out of bed, washed my face, pulled my hair into a neat bun, and dressed in the clothes Hux sent me. I did a half turn in front of the mirror, “Not too bad if I do say so myself...” rather pleased with how I looked. I picked up the ration and bottle of water. “Bebe, do you know how to get to the bridge?” The droid shook its head excitedly and spun in a circle. “Perfect! Lead the way!” The droid spun towards the door, running in to the frame. “How about I keep my hand on your head so you’re a little more... spatially aware?” The droid let out a happy chirp was I placed my hand on its head, and lead the way.

When we reached the bridge, I had already finished my ration and bottle of water. I made one final check in the refresher to ensure I was presentable, for some reason the thought of the General being disappointed made me slightly upset. Readjusting my bangs, I gave myself a nod of approval, which Bebe mimicked, before we exited the refresher and entered the bridge.

General Hux was standing amidst control panels, computers, and many people working on said machines. What took my breath away was the view from the giant windows at the front of the room. The stars looked like glittering diamonds against the beautiful black backdrop of space. Bebe nudged my leg urging me to move forward towards the General. “General...” I said quietly as I walked up to the stoic ginger, trying to keep my posture as proper as possible. “Breathtaking...” The General said, barely audible, as he looked at me. “General Hux?” I wasn’t sure if I was meant to hear that. The General re-composed himself, “I’m glad to see you made it on time.” He looked down at the droid with a sneer, “why is that defective thing here? Could it not handle the simple task of bringing you the package I sent for? I knew I should have had it deconstructed for parts...”

“No!” I said, a little louder than I meant, causing Hux to quirk and eyebrow at me. “I... I mean... can I just keep the droid? It’s rather useful...” “Useful?” Hux snickered “And why should I give you the droid? It is a glitch that should be eliminated if it cannot complete even the most menial of tasks.” Placing my hand on the side of the droid’s head pulling it closer to me, “It is of use to me. I have no belongings here since I was brought on board with literally just the clothes on my back. I’m not part of the military, I have no companionship, not to mention working on it will keep me out of trouble. I will be far more less inclined to destroy portions of the ship in fits of rage...” Hux straightened up with his hands behind his back, “Are you attempting to bribe me Alyssandra?” “I’m merely trying to strike a deal General... Sir...” With that, Hux pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a sigh, “Alright, you may keep the droid. But know this, should you begin destroying my ship, I WILL have that droid scrapped for parts. Is that understood?” I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face, “Yes, Sir.”

There was a slight tingling sensation that started in my head, this time there was no pain just slight discomfort. _Is this the girl I’m supposed to be training? Seriously? I don’t understand why the hell I have to do this. I mean it’s not like I’m trying to help run a damn military operation here! Why couldn’t he choose one of those fucking idiot officers to do this..._ just as quickly as the girl’s thoughts had been in my head they disappeared along with the tingling. The girl whose thoughts of me were less than friendly, had just walked up beside the General. She was about my height and had curves I wish I had. She was gorgeous with fair skin, piercing blue green eyes, and long golden hair pulled neatly in to a bun. The girl was dressed in a higher-up’s uniform, but I wasn’t sure what rank due to my limited knowledge of the First Order’s military workings.

“Ah! Lieutenant Helja right on schedule.” General Hux smiled in greeting to the women. “Good morning General.” Lieutenant Helja greeted back never breaking her composure. “Alyssandra this is Lieutenant Helja, she is one of our best and brightest here on the Finalizer. She will be going over military basics and fundamentals with you today. I have matters that I must attend to. I will follow up with you on your progress later.” With that the General left us. “Hi I’m...” I put my hand out and before I could finish the Lieutenant cut across me, “You’re Alyssandra Solaire, 26yrs old, 5feet 5inches, 112lbs (rather on the petite side), Force sensitive, and from the city Laazna on the planet Kazan. You have no prior military experience or training. You did attend a mechanical institution where you learned your trade, you are fluent in binary along with several other languages, and your point of origin before Kazan is unknown.” I was completely awestruck, “How... how did you know all of that?” Was all I could reply. Lieutenant Helja furrowed her brow, “There is a reason I am in the position that I am in, and why I am one of General Hux’s most trusted. We’ve wasted enough time, follow me.” Lieutenant Helja turned on her heel and began to head towards the exit of the bridge. I tapped Bebe on the side with my finger, “This will be fun...” I muttered and followed the Lieutenant.

We arrived at what looked to be a conference room with a large holoprojector on the middle of the giant meeting table. “Let’s begin.” Lieutenant Helja took a seat and began opening all sorts of holovids and information on her datapad, which were being projected on the holoprojector. I took a seat across from the Lieutenant, “Well... let’s do this...”

Hours had gone by, we only took one break the entire time to eat lunch and use the refesher. “And those are the basic fundamentals of the First Order’s military configuration. The next time we meet we will discuss military tactics and weaponry.” I had my forehead pressed against the table with my arms dangling down in the space between the table and my seat, “That was absolutely riveting... no offense Lieutenant... I would honestly much rather work on fifty hyperdrive actuation diodes then have to learn all that again... how do you people do it?” I turned my head so my cheek was against the table, able to look at the Lieutenant. “You have to go through the basics before we get to the good stuff. That’s how it always goes.” The Lieutenant leaned back in her chair and stretched her arms. I was rather curious to learn more able this woman since she knew so much about me and we had just been locked in a room together for what felt like forever. I think I deserve to know a little bit about her. “Do you have a first name or is that like not a thing here in the First Order?” The Lieutenant folded her arms in front of her chest raising an eyebrow, “Yes smartass, I have a first name, it’s Dzhessika. I tend to go by Dzhess.” I raised my head from the table “Well nice to meet you Dzhess!” “Really? I think we’re past that at this point,” she replied pointedly. I leaned back in my chair, “Yes, well it’s not like we really got to know each other... scratch that... I haven’t gotten to know you. Like are you always this tough and proper? Doesn’t it get boring? How do you do it?” Dzhess smirked, “Well I hate most people, so that helps. People tend to not bother me, which I like. Plus I only have to worry if Force users are around since y’all like to get in people’s heads.” I rubbed my chin, “Got it... hate almost everyone in order to make it through life in this place... that should be easy enough!” I laughed. “You are ridiculous.” Dzhess let out a small chuckle. “You need to get going, the General wishes to see you before you retire for the evening. You will be notified via datapad about our next lesson.” With that Dzhess ushered Bebe and I out of the room.

I, once again, placed my hand on Bebe’s head as the droid lead to the General’s office. _Does this man ever sleep?_ I thought to myself as I knocked on the door. “Come in.” The General was working vigorously on a datapad, not once looking up from his work. “How did the lesson go? Did you find it beneficial?” “Oh yes... especially the part where we covered the annual pants-off dance-off the higher-ups compete in every year...” The General stopped his typing and starred at me. “It was a joke General... I was just seeing if you were listening...” “Do you think I am incapable of doing two things at once?” His stare turned in to a glower. “No... I just...” Hux rose from his seat and moved to stand right in front of me. He put a hand under my chin forcing me to look up at him, his face mere inches from mine. I could feel the heat rushing to my cheeks as he stared in to my eyes. “Alyss, kindly remember that this is a military operation. I have no time for ridiculous babble, if you wish to do that, do it with Ren.” My breath hitched, it wasn’t quite anger in his eyes... there was something else... something far more dangerous and alluring. I wanted so badly for him to pull me closer to him, there was something about how this man commanded respect that fascinated me. He wasn’t a Force user, but he was powerful in his own right. The General let his hand fall from my face, but took a few more seconds looking me over before returning to his chair. Hux was typing away again at his datapad, “Tomorrow you train with Ren again. The following day with Lieutenant Helja. You are dismissed.” I turned on my heel and walked swiftly out the door before I could do or say something I might regret.

As I rounded the corner with Bebe, I ran face first in to a towering black mass causing me stumble backwards a bit. “Ow!!! What the hell?!” I yelled rubbing my face. “How can my pupil be so oblivious to everything around her?” The modulated voice said with distaste. Having already been flustered by Hux I just kept my mouth shut and starred at my feet. “You’re unusually quiet.” Kylo said using one hand to cup the bottom of my face tilting my head up to look at him. “Were you just coming from the General’s office?” His four fingers on my left cheek and thumb on my right, began to dig in as he tightened his grip. “Yes.” I glowered knowing full well I probably looked like a fish from the way he was holding my face. “Will you let me go now? My cheeks are hurting!” I snapped. Kylo released me from his grip, “... Jerk...” I muttered under my breath as I rubbed my cheeks. “Why were you flushed in the face?” “Probably because you just squeezed it!!” I shot back. “Prior to that!” Kylo clenched his fists at his side. “I... I had embarrassed myself in front on the General and had turned red from that.” Kylo stepped closer, pressing his body up against mine looking down at me. I had to tilt my head almost all the way back in order to look at his visor due to his height. _Did he touch her? She shouldn’t be allowed to dress like that..._ Kylo’s thoughts has slipped effortlessly in to my head without him meaning for them to. The blush I had earlier crept back up to my cheeks. I tore my eyes from his visor and looked to the side, “Commander if it’s alright with you, Bebe and I would like to retire for the evening.” “Bebe?” The modulated voice questioned. “Hux let me have this BB-9E unit due to its technical issues.” “Do you no longer call him by his title?” Ren’s hands were balled so tight I thought his gloves would split. “And if I did?” I was once again at the point of not backing down. “You are dismissed, I expect you on time for training tomorrow morning.” Kylo stormed off down the hallway disappearing around a corner.

Bebe and I made it back to my room where I kicked off my heels and collapsed on my bed. “What the hell was with those two today?” I rubbed my hands over my face, “And what the hell is up with me?! I never blush at male contact!! Or get flustered! Ugh!!! I hate those men!” I put my pillow over face and yelled. Bebe let out some worried beeps pushing my foot with its head. I removed the pillow with a sigh. After a while I got up, showered, and crawled in to bed. _Those men are going to be a problem and most likely the death of me..._ “Good night, Bebe.” With that I shut off the light and dozed off to sleep.


	7. Pumpkin Soup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Pumpkin Soup is by Kate Nash! If you haven’t heard it, you should check it out! :D I hope you enjoy Chapter 7!

**Pumpkin Soup**

The last few weeks had carried on the same: one day training with Dzhessika and reporting to Hux, the next training with Kylo. Day in, day out this was all I did. Nothing exciting had happened since that first day I trained with Dzhess. I can at least say that it looks like Dzhess and I are sort of becoming friends... honestly it’s hard to tell with that woman. With a sigh I went back to working on Bebe. I’ve become rather fond of this little droid. I was able to fix part of the droid’s scanner and optic lens. The poor thing still runs in to objects occasionally, but not nearly as often, so that’s a plus! I was running diagnostics on Bebe to see if there were any program errors causing the spatial awareness issues.

“Bebe, can you access music archives?” I looked up from my datapad at the droid, causing my glasses to slid down my nose a bit. The droid let out an unsure beep, and said it could try but never had been asked to perform the task. “Yay!! Hmmm, can you pull up a song from my planet? Ugh having no stimulation here is driving me nuts!!” With an excited beep, the droid started searching for a song to play. When satisfied with it’s choice, it started playing the song:

_“...You're chatting to me, like we connect_  
_But_ _I don't even know if we're still friends_  
_It's so confusing,  
Understanding you is making me not want to do  
And think things like: 'I know I should do'_  
_But I trip up and then I lose  
I hate looking like a fool  
I just want your kiss boy, kiss boy, kiss boy_  
_I just want your kiss_  
_I just want your kiss boy, kiss boy, kiss boy_  
 _I just want your kiss...”_

“Pumpkin Soup? Man, I haven’t heard this in forever!” I bounced up and down. Bebe chirped happily playing the music until the poor droid glitched again, making the volume raise to the point it could be heard outside in the hallway. “Bebe!!! Turn it off!” I yelled covering my ears. The droid let out stressed beeps trying to stop the music. Right before Bebe was able to shut off the song, General Hux angrily slid my bedroom door open, “WHAT THE BLOODLY HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE?!”

“Bebe glitched while I was working on it...” Bebe finally turned the song off and I lowered my hands from my ears. It took me a second to realize I was standing in front of the General in just my underwear and quickly tried to cover myself. “I thought that by having the droid you would be staying out of trouble girl!” The General was in my face. “Sir... Hux... it was an accident...” The General’s chest was pressed up against mine, causing me to blush at our contact, especially since I was hardly dressed! The General trailed his eyes over the disheveled bun atop my head, glasses almost on the tip of my nose, then down to my underwear clad body. The glint that was in his eyes the first day in his office was there again, but far more intense this time. I couldn’t move from under his gaze, the General started to walk forward causing me to step backward until my back hit the wall. “Hux... what... what are you?...” my hands were on his chest and I turned my head trying to hide some of my embarrassment.

My heart was racing and I could feel the General’s matching mine under my fingertips through his shirt. “Alyss... what are you? How do you constantly do this to me? If it were anyone else, I would have had them executed by now. But you... you girl are such an enigma...” Hux brushed my hair behind my ear, lowering his head closer to my cheek, his breath ghosting over my skin. “Hu...Hux...” I let out shakily. The General gently turned my face so I was looking at him, “It’s Armitage.” His green eyes were burning in to my blue ones, “Armitage...” saying his name felt so intimate, it was rare that he ever allowed anyone to do such a thing.

A slight tingling sensation began to form in my head, it was a rather familiar feeling. Kylo was attempting to contact me through the Force, like we had practiced many times during training. Ignoring the sensation, I put up a mental barrier blocking him from my thoughts. This wasn’t any of his business. I never got in to his personal life and he has no right to mine.

Focusing back on Hux, I let my gaze wander over his features. For the first time since I’d met the man he wasn’t scowling, while still fierce, there was a softness there that I had never see before. The General looked both vulnerable and dark at the same time. He had opened up to me, even if only a little, but that desire was still burning in his eyes. I had started to reach my hand up towards Hux’s cheek when my datapad started to buzz furiously.

Hux regained his composure, once again becoming the stoic cold General of The First Order. “Alyssandra,” I winced at the use of my full name, preferring to when he had called me by my nickname, “I expect that you will repair your droid so that another incident such as this does not occur. If you are unable to do so, I will have the droid sent to be scrapped for parts. This is a military operation not a cantina. Do I make myself clear?” “Yes sir, it won’t happen again.” “See to it that it doesn’t.” Without another word the General exited the room. Completely shocked with my heart still racing, I slid down the wall to floor. My datapad was once again going off, but I was too preoccupied trying to figure out what had just happened to retrieve it. Then the tingling sensation came back far stronger than before, it was again Kylo and this time he was enraged. I closed my eyes allowing his thoughts to become mine, _Why have you not been responding to me?! What happened?! I felt a disturbance around you! Answer me now!_ I took a deep breath feeling my own rage start to bubble up, _I’m fine, I was merely startled by my droid while I was working on it._ I knew better than to tell him about what had happened with Hux. _You expect me to believe that your droid is what caused you to have such a strong reaction?! Do you believe me to be a fool?!_ I could hear the venom in his thoughts. _Why do you even care Commander?! It’s not like you trust me! What am I to you?! I don’t even know what you look like! And yet you get mad at me every time I interact with Hux! You wonder why I turn to him?! This is a perfect example!_ My thoughts were screaming in rage at Kylo. How dare he?! _You are mine! You are my pupil not his, do you understand?! You belong to me!_ My body was trembling with rage, _I’m not some damn toy for you to own! Get out of my head! I hate you!_

Before he could respond, my eyes flew open and I broke the connection between us. Tears were threatening to fall from my eyes. I don’t understand that man at all! He doesn’t trust me enough to let me see his face, yet he wishes to claim me as his?! I’m not some toy he can throw around! I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. Bebe rolled up to me and nudged my thigh letting out a few soft beeps. “I’m ok little one... I’m just... I’m just so confused. I feel so out of control with my own life. I just don’t know what to do. I wish I had never been in the bar that night!” I buried my face in my hands quelling the sobs that threatened to escape my chest.

When I was finally able to regain some of my composure, I pushed myself up off the floor and headed to my closet to grab some training clothes. I threw on the black sports bra and a pair of leggings. As I was about to leave, I patted Bebe on the head, “You stay here little one, ok? Just in case I run in to Kylo. I don’t want him destroying you because he’s mad at me.” Bebe let out a dejected beep but did as instructed and stayed behind.

I made it to the training room and was grateful to find it empty. I set up a few training droids and grabbed a long sword viproblade to practice my deflection. Hours had gone by and I was finally nearing exhaustion and had subsequently broken a few of the training droids. I was just finishing up when Kylo entered the room. I tensed up at his arrival, “I was just leaving.” I picked up the droids and the pieces of the broken ones scattered about, putting them back in their proper places. Kylo approached me blocking me from being able to escape. “Why do you so badly wish to see my face?” The modulated voice resonated in the training room. “Because... I want to know...” before I could finish my sentence Kylo cut me off, “What? To see the monster under the mask?” “That’s just it. I want to make sure you aren’t a monster... I truly do wish to make you proud... but... I can’t trust someone who’s eyes I can’t see. I’ve seen the eyes of monsters, I lived through their torture for years. I want to see that you are not the same...” I couldn’t contain the fear and sadness in my voice at finally admitting why I was so adamant to see the man under the mask. I wanted reassurance that he wasn’t like Royoi, the look in that man’s eyes still haunts me to this day. “And what if you see the eyes of a monster?” Kylo finally responded quietly. “I’ll be the judge of that.” I said in almost a whisper.

To my surprise, Kylo raised his hands to either side of his helmet unlocking the mechanisms that held it in place. So afraid that I’d see eyes that matched those like the ones who tortured me, I looked down as he took off his helmet. “Look at me...” an unfamiliar deep voice commanded. Slowly, I trailed my gaze up his chest to his face finally settling on his eyes. He had large brown eyes that held anger, fear, and sadness but nothing that resembled the monsters in my past. He was handsome, with dark locks, a broad nose, and sharp chin. I couldn’t stop staring at him. He was nothing like I had imagined. After a few more moments of silence his deep voice cut the air, “Am I a monster?” There was a hint of sadness and uncertainty in his voice. “No. I’ve seen many monsters, and you are not one.” I had subconsciously started to reach out with my right hand to touch his face, quickly retracting thinking it better if I didn’t.

“I should really get going...” I side stepped around Kylo and headed to the door. Before I placed my hand on the keypad his voice stopped me, “Do you truly hate me?” His back was still turned to me, no emotion giving way in his voice. I looked over my shoulder, “No Kylo, I don’t... I don’t hate you...” The familiar tingling sensation came back in my head, _That’s the first time you haven’t called me Commander._ A small smile graced my lips, _I know, Sir._ With that, I headed out of the training room down the hall in the direction of my room to retire for the evening.


	8. Diminuendo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! If you’ve been enjoying this story please go check out my new one, “From Nerf Herder to Technician”. Thank you for all of your support! :D Anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter!

**Chapter 8: Diminuendo**

_I was dreaming... I was sitting in a beautiful luscious garden that seemed so familiar yet I don’t think I’d ever been there. I was in a stunning, long, and flowing golden dress like something a princess would wear. I looked down, resting my hand on my pregnant belly smiling to myself. Looking off to the far end of the garden, there was a little boy playing with a giant white wolf-like creature. I couldn’t make out the boy’s features, he was hazy, and yet I knew that he was my son. Another silhouette, a man, approached the boy, picked him up, and spun him around. The boy was laughing, causing my smile to grow even wider. I wasn’t able to make out the features of the man either, but I instinctively knew he was the father of my children. The two figures started my way, their features becoming a little clearer, but before I could see who the father of my son was or what my son looked like my alarm went off shaking me from my dream._ I shot up in my bed, my heart pounding. I couldn’t shake the nagging feeling of wanting to know who the mystery figure was. It all felt so real, more than just a dream. With a sigh, I swung my feet off the bed and started to get ready to meet with Dzhess for today’s lesson.

I reached the conference room and found Dzhessika with the holoprojector already setup, displaying an X-Wing’s configuration. I quietly took my seat across from Dzhess, who quirked an eyebrow at me expectantly. When I remained quiet, she started our lesson on ‘Enemy Ships and Aerial Warfare’. The hours ticked by until Dzhess warped up the lesson. “Ok Alyss, what’s going on? You’ve been scary quiet today, with no usual perkiness or groans when I mention things you don’t find interesting. Hell! You didn’t even whine about being hungry or ask to take lunch every 5 minutes! So, what’s going on?” Dzhess leaned across the table locking her eyes on mine. I let out a sigh knowing there was no point in trying to lie to her, “You see... I had this strange dream. it felt so real... like even though it hasn’t actually happened, it’s going to. You know? I know it’s sounds weird, but that’s the only way I can describe it. Plus, there’s the whole guy drama going on, which I don’t even know what to think about. Everything is so confusing.” I rested my elbows on the table and put my head in my hands. “So... this dream, what was it about?”Dzhess asked, sounding mildly curious. I told her what happened and about not being able to know the identity of the man in my dreams. Dzhess leaned back in her chair contemplating. “Perhaps it was more than just a dream. Can’t Force users have visions of the future or something?” “I suppose, but that’s not something I’ve ever experienced. The only thing remotely close to that I’ve experienced is my telepathy. I’ve never had visions.” Dzhess tilted her head to the side and shrugged her shoulders, “Hmm, it was just a thought. Maybe it was just a very intense dream and nothing more. Now tell me, what man drama are you talking about?” Had it been anyone else I would have never mentioned the problem, but after all the time I’ve spent with Dzhess I had grown more confident in our friendship. I didn’t feel this way about anyone else on the ship, but I knew I could trust her and and I really needed someone to talk to, so I explained what was going on.

Before I knew it, the flood gates were open and I filled Dzhess in on everything that had happened with the General and the Commander. Dzhess’s mouth hung open, “Holy shit... what the actual fuck?!” Hearing Dzhess swear out loud and not just in her thoughts made me chuckle, “Yeah, well, that’s exactly how I feel.” “So... do you like either of them? I mean romantically?” I sighed, “Yes? I think so? But that’s the problem! I feel comfortable with the General for the most part but even though my body says yes, something in me makes me shy away. Then there’s the Commander. He’s the most infuriating man I’ve ever met! And yet I find him so... fascinating. I can’t stay away. he’s so vulnerable and broken even thought he tries so hard to hide it.” Dzhess laughed, “Well shit, I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone describe those two in that way. Sadistic, callous, cruel, terrifying, brutal... I’ve heard those but never comfortable or fascinating.” I sighed, laying my cheek on the table, “Yeah, I know. It doesn’t make any sense! Ugh!” Dzhess lightly patted my head in reassurance, “I can’t tell you what to do or how to feel. All I can say is listen to yourself. You’ll make the right choice whatever it maybe. You just have to trust yourself. And... with that we are going to stop all this sappy crap because you need to get going to your meeting with the General. But, again don’t worry, you’ll figure all this out.” Dzhess got up from her chair and headed to the door, I followed suit and stopped in front of her, “Thanks. I really appreciate it.” I gave Dzhess a hug. She laughed and turned me to the door, “I told you no more sappy crap. Now get out.” With a grin she waved me out the door and I made my way to the General’s office.

Half way to my destination I saw Kylo Ren approaching. “Hello Ky... I mean Sir.” I gave him a friendly smile. The Commander brushed past me as if I didn’t even exist and continued on down the hallway out of sight. I stopped in my tracks, _What the hell was that about? Why is it every time we take on step forward he takes five steps back?_ With a discontented sigh, I continued on to my destination. I knocked on the door waiting for the usual acknowledgment from the General. With the approval to enter, I placed my hand on the scanner causing the door to slide open. I was expecting to see the General seated behind his desk tapping away at his datapad, but instead he was readying himself to leave. “Ah, Alyssandra, perfect timing. We are to meet with the Supreme Leader.” I was rather confused, “The Supreme Leader wishes to see me as well?” Hux smoothed out his uniform, “Yes. And we are not to keep him waiting. Now let’s go.” Hux exited the room heading in the direction of the room where the Supreme Leader was waiting. I was frozen where I stood. The thought of seeing that creature sent shiver of terror down my spine. I never wanted to see him again. “Alyssandra! We will not be late! Move!” Startled out of my thoughts, I slowly started following the General down the hall. My legs felt leaden, each step more difficult than the last. The trip to the Supreme Leader’s receiving room seemed both to take an eternity and to end too quickly. General Hux opened the door and ushered me inside. I was surprised to see Kylo Ren already inside down on one knee. This room was different from the one I first met the Supreme Leader in, there were no red walls in this room, everything was dark and industrial. As we walked across the platform to where the Commander was, I was startled when a giant hologram of Supreme Leader Snoke appeared. I was slightly relieved that I didn’t have to see the man in person, but was still uneasy with the knowledge he could still use his powers against me.

“Ah my dear Alyssandra, what a pleasure it is to see you again. I hear your training has been going well.” The hologram Snoke leaned back in his throne. “Yes, Sir.” I stood my ground, my gaze never wavering. “I see that fire is still there! Excellent!” Snoke let out a dark chuckle. “Shall we see if your lessons have paid off?” With a smirk, Snoke nodded to Hux. The General gave an order and two stormtroopers came in dragging a resistance pilot between them, stopping right in front of me. “Now then. You will interrogate this man and get him to give you everything he knows about the resistance.” I looked at Snoke in shock, “What?” I whispered under my breath. I looked at Hux and Kylo for help, silently pleading with them. Hoping they’d step in and stop this madness. Kylo turned his head away, and Hux just stared at Snoke. “Now then girl, you were given your orders. Do as you are told!” Snoke raised a finger and used the Force to drag me towards the pilot. “I... I can’t do this! This man has done nothing to me!” Hux made a disgusted look at the fact that I justified not harming someone from the resistance. There was no way I could hurt someone who had never done anything to me! Yes I had killed in the past, but they had all deserved it. “My patience is growing thin, girl!” Snoke was trying to get in to my head. The searing pain made it hard to think.

I reached out my hand in front the pilot’s face and began to look in to his memories. I could feel his pain, suffering, and fear. In his memories I saw that he had a wife and a beautiful son, the sight brought back the images of the dream of my son. I quickly retracted and left the man’s mind. “I can’t do it! I just... I just can’t!” Snoke let out a disapproving sigh, “You disappoint me.” Snoke used his power to it’s full potential, and unlike our first encounter where he had been holding back, I was powerless. He connected me with him and we entered the pilot’s memories once again. The pilot was screaming from our intrusion. Once Snoke got the information he wanted, he pulled us from the pilot’s mind but didn’t release his hold on my body. “Now for your punishment, girl.” Snoke used me as his puppet to Force choke the pilot. “Please! Stop! Don’t make me do this!” Tears we’re streaming down my face. I tried to break free from Snoke but it was of no use. I looked to Hux then Kylo, “Please! Please help me!” I begged. I could feel Snoke increasing the strength of the choke until the audible snap of the pilot’s neck filled my ears. When I looked back I could see pilot’s lifeless body hanging limply between the two stormtroopers.

Snoke finally released me, and I collapsed to the floor, tears streaming down my face. Snoke addressed Hux and Kylo, “I expect better results from her next time! Is that understood! Do not disappoint me!” With that, the hologram clicked off and the room was silent except for the sound of the pilot’s boots scraping across the floor as the troopers dragged his lifeless body away. Hux walked over to me and looked down his nose at me, “You disappoint me Alyssandra.” “Shut the fuck up!” I glared at Hux and in my rage used the Force to shove him away from me. Kylo tried to approach me and I threw him backwards as well. I stood up shaking with rage and despair. “I hate you two! You wouldn’t even help me! You fucking spineless bastards! Stay the fuck away from me or I swear I will kill you!” I ran out of the room, everything was a blur around me. I just kept running. I wound up in the hanger, which was fairly empty. Wanting to just hide from everyone, I went over to the TIE Silencer and snuck inside. I knew no one would bother me in this ship. My body was racked with sobs, I couldn’t hold my tears back. I lay curled up on the floor until I lost track of time.

Hours had passed and hardly anyone was in the hanger save for a few droids and a couple of technicians. The Silencer’s door opened, causing the ramp to lower. The sight of Kylo Ren resparked my rage. “Get the fuck away from me!” “No. You are acting like a pathetic child. It was just a resistance pilot. Stop crying!” He snarled at me. I lost it. I flew down the ramp of the Silencer and punched Kylo’s helmet square in jaw. The next thing I knew my body is being thrown back and I was slammed in to the side of the Silencer, hitting the ground hard on my hands and knees. I wiped the small streak of blood from the corner of my mouth with the back of my hand. I used the Force and threw Kylo into a nearby TIE Fighter, successfully shattering the viewing window. Kylo got back up, using the Force to drag me towards him, then flicked his wrist slamming me in to hanger wall. More blood began to pool in my mouth. I spit out as much as I could and began to feel my body heat up. I summoned the flames and the Force, then sent blast after blast at Kylo. He barely dodged the blasts, one hit him in the chest singeing his robes and helmet. The heat was too much causing him throw off his helmet. His lip was spilt and sweat was on his brow. As I prepared to send another blast of fire his way, he Force choked me and dragged me towards him. As I gasped for air I couldn’t help myself but to claw at the invisible hands around my neck. When I was in reach, he wrapped an actual hand around my neck, turned, and pinned me to the wall. Though his hand held me in place, his grip loosened so I could once again breathe.

“I hate you! You bastard! I... I trusted you! How... how could you?!” I yelled raggedly as I gulped in air. The tears were back running down my cheeks, mixing with the blood on my lips. Kylo pursed his lips and looked me in the eyes, “ I... had no choice. I can’t disobey the Supreme Leader!” His rage causing his voice to raise, he let go of my neck and held me upright by my shoulders. “Please, just end this. I’m done. I can’t do this. Just kill me already!” I yelled, I didn’t try to fight back anymore. My spirit was finally broken. I would’ve slumped to the ground but his grip kept me in place. Kylo bared his teeth seething, “You fool! I thought you were stronger than this! You were to join me! And be at my side! No, I won’t let you have death!” Before I could register what was happening, his lips were on mine. I could taste his blood mixing with mine on my lips. In both shock and rage I slapped him. He stumbled back in shock rubbing the side of his face. I walked up to him my chest pressed to his, “You don’t get to do that to me!” I grabbed the collar of his robes and forcefully pulled him down to me locking his lips to mine. I hated the man but I also felt something I couldn’t explain when it came to him. Another tear rolled down my cheek as we kissed, Kylo slowly pulled back, my blood on his lips and his on mine. “I... I hate you.” I turned on my heel and headed towards my room. Kylo didn’t follow me and I was grateful. As I entered my room I was greeted by Bebe, who let out an alarmed chirp at my disheveled state. I walked to my bed and crawled under the covers, drawing them completely over my head in and attempt to shut out the world.


	9. Go To War

**Chapter 9: Go To War**

It had been a few days since my incident with Snoke and Kylo Ren. I hadn’t left my room. Dzhess had been worried and offered to come by, but I came up with the lame excuse that I was merely sick and asked to have the lessons sent to me via datapad. The General, surprisingly, allowed Dzhess to do so. Speaking of the General, I had not heard from him once. I suppose it’s to be expected. He most likely views me as rebel scum for my indiscretion. It would have been one thing had I killed the pilot of my own volition, but to have someone force me to do so... it kept replaying like a nightmare in my mind. I felt like the ten year old me again that had just watched her parents die and could do nothing about it. It felt like everything in me had shattered. The two men I had begun to open up to betrayed me. They stood idly by as I begged for help. I knew I should never let anyone in. Why did I kiss Kylo? And why the hell did he kiss me? He let me do some major damage to him during our fight, and yes he fought back, but not to his full potential. It almost felt like he wanted me to hit him. Kriff! What is wrong with that man?! And what is wrong with me?! I can’t stop thinking about him! I want to both slice him in half and embrace him at the same time!

I sighed and rolled on my back looking at the ceiling. My bed had been my sanctuary as of late. I felt like I could shut everything and everyone out here. Bebe would nudge me every now and then to ensure I was still among the living. The droid had been ordering food for me and attempting to deliver said food. There had been a few spills but nothing major. The first time I had refused to eat, the droid attempted to feed me using one of the extending arms from its base. It’s sad that a droid has been the only one to show me kindness. I honestly don’t know what I would do without it. My silent reverie was broken by the sound of my datapad going off once again. Kylo had been attempting to reach me multiple times these last few days. I ignored every message and call that man sent me. I wanted nothing to do with that monster. I honestly didn’t know what I would do the next time I saw him. The datapad finally stopped buzzing and silence once again took over. I had started to drift off to sleep until someone was slamming their fist on my bedroom door.

“Alyssandra! Open this door!” The familiar modulated voice rang out on the other side of the door. I didn’t respond, I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. He let out a distorted roar, “Alyssandra! You will open this door now! And go to the training room! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! YOU HAVE ONE HOUR! IF YOU ARE NOT IN THE TRAINING ROOM BY THEN I WILL COME IN THERE AND DRAG YOU OUT!” He let out an enraged growl, and the sound of a lightsaber slicing through the metal in the hallway could be heard in my room. After causing what I could only assume was significant damage, I felt his presence retreat. I suppose I should be grateful that he had thought better of trying to contact me through the Force and instead opted for the datapad, and now in person. Bebe let out a few worried beeps asking if I was going to obey the Commander. “I’d really rather not. He’s a petulant child! But I really don’t want him to break down my door and drag me out of here. I can only imagine what the hallway looks like. I don’t want him doing that to my room. This is the only thing that’s mine.” Bebe chirped saying that it thought it too belonged to me. I sat up and smiled at the droid, patting it’s head. “Little one, I don’t own you. You’re my friend. And I’m so grateful to have you.” I slid off my bed, dropped down to my knees, and hugged the droid. The droid let out contented beeps saying it thanked the maker for meeting me. I gave the droid another pat on the head, then got cleaned up and changed.

When I exited my room I couldn’t believe what I saw. The damage in the hallway was far worse than I had expected. There were numerous gouges in the smooth metal, circuits and wires were exposed and sparking, tubing hung from the ceiling, it truly looked like a scene from a horror holovid. The smell of burnt metal and plastic filled the hall. A few technicians had begun working on the repairs but hadn’t even made a dent yet. With a deep sigh, I began to drag my feet down the hall towards the direction of the training room. I felt like I was on my death march, each step becoming harder the closer I got to my destination. I wanted to prolong seeing the man who betrayed me as long as possible. All too quickly I had arrived at the training room. I hesitantly began to place my hand on the scanner, but retracted it. I felt his presence before the door slid open, his tall form looming above me. He said nothing as I brushed past him walking to the center of the room.

The door closed with a hiss. His heavy foot falls made their way towards me. I refused to look at him, opting to stare in to the far off corner. “Why have you been ignoring my messages?!” His rage was apparent through the modulator, his fists clenching and unclenching as his breathing quickened. “I have nothing to discuss with a monster such as yourself.” I evenly replied, as cold and distant as I felt. “Argh! You think I’m a monster?! This coming from the girl who murdered hundreds?! Who is the real monster here? At least I know what I am. And what are you?” Kylo began to circle me, “You’re just a junk rat. You’re nothing special. You’re pathetic. Who do you think helps support the separatists? Hm? Not us, the rebellion. They help those who did that to you.” He stopped, pointing at the scar on my chest. “I have felt it when you’ve had nightmares, I’ve caught glimpses when you’ve pulled me in to your memories. As you said those men were monsters! But you never stopped to think of who helped those monsters, did you? You stupid girl!” Kylo’s chest was mere inches from mine as he looked down at me.

“At least I knew those men were monsters from the beginning! They didn’t hide behind the farce that they wanted to help me! I thought you were to be my teacher! A teacher should help and protect their student! But no! You’re no better then my captors were! Actually, you’re worse! And you’re a coward, always hiding behind your mask! YOU ARE NO VADER!” I spit the last words with venom, as I shoved him in the chest. Within an instant Kylo removed his helmet and threw it across the room. “FINE! Then look in to the eyes of your monster!” He grabbed me by the shirt collar forcing me to look at him. “Again you’re weak and pathetic! We should have left you on that shit planet in that bar with the trash where you belong!” I could feel Kylo shaking from rage through his grip on my shirt. “That’s funny coming from the BOY who was almost slain by his teacher! Unfit to become a Jedi!”

Kylo roared as he used the Force to shove me away. My rage being at full tilt, I countered and Force threw him backwards in to the mats on the wall. It became a literal shoving match through the Force. We were both panting after the continual blows we were throwing at each other. Kylo raised his right hand trying to drag me towards him, I mirrored him using all my strength. Neither of us budged from our spots, we were soaked in sweat from the physical and mental exertion. We finally both had cracked and ended up flying at each other at the same time. Our bodies hit hard and fell to the floor. Kylo was on top of me. “Get off of me!” With a growl of my own, I flipped him over and pinned him beneath me. Using what little energy I had left to hold his arms and legs in place.

“Why do you do this to me?! Just let me go! Or end this!” I seethed through ragged breaths. “You know damn well why! You’ve felt it too! We’re connected.” I shook my head, “No! I can just hear your thoughts! That’s all! Like I can everyone else!” “It’s not just our thoughts. I can feel you when you are not near me, just as you can feel me. You even call to me in your sleep. I’ve glimpsed your future, you will be by my side.” His jaw clenched as he bore his eyes in to mine. “I didn’t have a choice!” My voice pitched as my volume increased. “But you did.” Kylo’s voice was even once again. “You’re strong, you could have easily hidden from us or tried to escape. But you didn’t. You wanted to be here.” “No... I... I had no choice!” I shook my head.

Kylo’s gaze never wavered from mine. A part of me knew he was right, even though I didn’t want to admit it. Had I truly wished to, I could have run and hidden away. But I didn’t. I didn’t even put up a fight when they came for me. He was also right about our connection. I could feel him unlike any other person I’d ever encountered. My arms that had been holding Kylo’s chest down had begun to shake. My hold over him weakened and I collapsed on his chest with my right cheek resting near his heart. His rapid heartbeat was oddly calming. I curled my fingers in to his robe. “Know this, one day I will make you pay for what you’ve done to me.” Kylo smirked, “I’ll be awaiting that day.” We laid there for a while, neither of us moving.

A thought had crossed my mind and I wanted to see if I was right. “Hold still. I wish to try something.” I put my forearms on either side of his head and leaned down, my long dark locks draping around us, and my mouth only a few inches from his. I felt his breath hitch underneath me, his eyes locked on mine, pursing his lips. “Stop doing that! You look stupid.” I sighed as I lowered my lips to his. I closed my eyes and thought of the dream I had days ago. I was hoping that our connection would allow me to see more, and if this was truly more than just a dream. The little boy came in to focus, he had dark hair and electric blue eyes, like me, with pale skin, and a sweet round face. He was absolutely beautiful. I tried to focus in on the man, just as I was about to see his face Kylo pulled away. “What was that?” Kylo looked at me confused. I shook my head, “Just a dream I guess.” There was something burning in his eyes that I hadn’t seen before. Intrigued, “Why? What did you see?” I tilted my head to side.

Kylo sat up causing me to lean back and sit in his lap, straddling him. Before I could question him further, he crashed his lips to mine. I shoved him away. “What are you doing?!” “So it’s alright for you to do it to me?” He smirked at me. Slightly enraged, I shoved him back to ground. Before I knew what I was doing, my lips were locked to on to his. A burning desire I had never felt before started to rise up within me. We fought for dominance, our tongues intertwining. My hands were on the sides of his face, skimming his dark locks. He rolled us over so he was on top of me. We finally broke apart panting trying to catch our breaths. “This... this doesn’t... change anything... between us... I will... make you pay.” I glared at the man above me, his hair falling about his face. “I know.” He replied breathlessly.


	10. Him & I

**Chapter 10: Him & I**

I left the training room and entered the nearest refresher. I stripped down and got under the warm spray of the shower. My mind was a whirlwind of thoughts. _What the hell did I just do? What did I just see? Is Kylo truly the man who will father my children? Sure I’m attracted to him, but he still betrayed me... what could possibly change that in the future... unless maybe he isn’t the father, I mean I never actually saw the man in my dreams, just the child._ I sighed and pressed my forehead against the shower wall, closing my eyes. The image of the little boy playing in my mind. He was so beautiful, I couldn’t help the proud smile that crept across my lips. _Well if Kylo truly is the father of my children, at least they turn out well._ I chuckled to myself. _Are you saying you’d expect my children to be unattractive?_ I had not even realized that Kylo had Force connected with and was listening to my thoughts. _What the?! How did you do that without my knowing?! I didn’t even feel you! Also, stay out of my thoughts!_ Kylo’s voice chuckled in my head, It would appear that our connection has strengthened. _It barely required any effort to access your thoughts._ I turned so my back was leaning against the shower wall. _You can’t see me right? You can only hear my thoughts? Because this would be a huge invasion of privacy, more so than it already is._ Kylo paused for a second. _No, I can only hear you._ I huffed, _Why did you pause? That doesn’t inspire confidence._ Kylo ignored me, _Proper training resumes tomorrow. Come to the training room after the breakfast cycle._ As quickly as Kylo had entered my thoughts, he was gone.

I finished showering and changed in to a pair of sweats and a T-shirt. I returned to my room and found a package sitting on my bed. I picked up the note attached:

_I thought maybe some good food would make you feel better. We resume your classes next week._

_Kind Regards,  
Lieutenant Helja_

I couldn’t help but smile from the kind gesture of my only friend, well only human friend. I opened the package and couldn’t believe my eyes! There was a huge assortment of meats, breads, cheeses, veggies, fruits, and desserts! I hadn’t realized how hungry I was from not eating these last few days. I hastily began stuffing my face with the delicious foods in a very undignified manner. Bebe rolled through my door and let out a few happy beeps at seeing me finally eat. I hadn’t realized Bebe had another package. “What’s that?” I asked, pointing at the parcel. Bebe informed me that this too was from Lieutenant Helja and that it was to be a secret. My curiosity piqued, I opened the parcel and was surprised to see a bottle of fine Corusant wine. “Well I’ll be damned! I can’t believe I haven’t had a drink since those two idiots kidnaped me.” I set the bottle aside opting to save it for another time.

I wrapped up the rest of the food I didn’t eat and put it away. Suddenly I felt very weary from the emotional strain of the day. I climbed in to bed and fell a sleep almost immediately. _I stood at the edge of a battle field, I was covered in black armor, my dark hair was now pitch black with a bright red streak. I looked in a puddle on the ground and couldn’t even recognize my face. My irises were red, my sclera black, I had bright red lines that extended down the middle of my lower eyelid down my neck. I looked like a monster. I felt a heaviness throughout my entire body, the flames that I normally conjured were black. The darkness had taken over. “Alyss! Stop this!” I saw Kylo approaching me holding his side, blood seeping through his fingers. “Fight this! Don’t let them win!” A girl I did not recognize came jogging up behind Kylo. “You’re too late. I will destroy everything. I will plunge everything in to darkness.” My voice sounded distorted as I raised my hand engulfing it in black flame as I prepared to attack Kylo and the girl._ I shot up in bed, covered in sweat and shaking. I touched my face and looked at my hair. I looked normal, not like the creature in my dreams. I was so shaken I didn’t know what to do. I pulled on some clothes and headed out of my room down the hallway.

I stood outside Kylo’s door, not entirely sure why I had come here in the first place. I was just so scared I didn’t want to be alone. I was about to knock when the door slid open. Kylo stood in the doorway shirtless, hair slightly messy. He just stared at me and stepped aside gesturing for me to enter. He sat on his bed staring at me. “I... I’m sorry to come here unannounced. I just didn’t know where to go or who to turn to and well you...” Kylo raised his hand to silence me. “You had a bad dream.” He said rather dismissively. “Did you see it too? Am I truly a monster?! Is that what I will become?! What do I do?!” I collapsed on the ground with my face in my hands. “I don’t want to become that.” I heard the bed shift, then Kylo leaned down, picked me up and placed on the bed next to him. “It was just a dream. I’ve already told you.” “But you don’t know that! I don’t even know what I am! It could be true!” My voice was panicked. “You are not sure it’s not real.” Kylo used the Force to try and help calm me down from hysterical state.

“If... if it does happen. You’ll kill me right? You won’t allow me be a monster right?” I stared in to Kylo’s eyes. “Yes.” Was all that he said as he stared back at me. As horrid as it sounds, a wave of relief washed over me. “May I stay here the rest of the night? I... I don’t want to be alone... I can sleep on the floor.” “You can stay.” Kylo got up taking a pillow from the bed and one of the extra blankets. He walked over to the couch and laid down turning his back to me. “Sleep. You have training in the morning.” His muffed voice ordered. I crawled under the sheets and fell back to sleep. Attempting to avoid dreaming, if possible.

When I awoke Kylo was already gone. On the nightstand next to his bed was a plate of food and a change of clothes. It’s things like this that make me hate him a little less. I hopped out of bed, ate the food and got changed before heading out towards the training room. I was surprised to find an unmasked Kylo Ren in simple training sweats and a black tank top. I couldn’t stop the slight blush of my cheeks. I’d be lying if I said he didn’t look attractive like this. “Good morning and thanks for um... everything.” I couldn’t look at him, it made me too flustered. Kylo smirked and walked over to me, “You’re welcome. Today we will be working on hand to hand combat.” “Is there any chance you could change in to something else?” Kylo ignored me and got in to an offense position. “Let’s begin.”

We had been practicing for a while, I was finally getting the upper hand. I threw a kick at Kylo’s side. He blocked me, and I crouched down preforming a sweeping leg kick causing Kylo to fall. I quickly got up and jumped on top of him, pinning him to the ground. “I win!” I couldn’t help but be a little proud of finally besting him. “Stay focused.” Kylo kicked one leg out, hooked it over my torso, then flipped us over so I was the one pinned down. He just stayed on top of me, staring in to my eyes. “So, anything else you wanna teach me?” I raised an eyebrow half joking. Kylo smirked and leaned down, pressing a firm kiss to my lips. Unsure if it was due to the adrenaline coursing through my veins from training, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him into a deeper kiss. Kylo let out a low groan as he pulled away from me to catch his breath. My chest was heaving pressing, up against him as he lay on top of me. I bit my lip unsure what to do next. “Stop doing that.” Kylo put his hand under my chin and used his thumb to release my lower lip from my teeth. Kylo leaned down and pressed a kiss to my neck, eliciting a small gasp from me. He leaned back once again looking in to my eyes. I couldn’t help myself as I pulled his face down towards mine, forcefully kissing him again while putting all my rage and hurt towards him into the kiss. He wrapped an arm underneath me forcing our bodies closer together. My hands fisted in his dark locks.

When we finally both pulled away, Kylo stood up and walked over to the bench to retrieve a towel. “You trained well today.” Kylo had his back to me as he wiped his face. _Seriously?! That’s what he says to me! Ugh!_ I rolled my eyes and grabbed the nearest training droid chucking it at his head. Kylo caught it one handed over his shoulder. “Hmph.” I turned around and headed out the door towards the refresher. _Asshole..._


	11. Drink You Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I'm sorry this took forever for me to upload, but we're about to start getting in to The Force Awakens (I hope you guys are ready for this)! Without further adieu, here's Chapter 11!

**Chapter 11: Drink You Away**

The last few weeks had fallen back in to routine: train with Kylo one day and then train with Dzhess then next. I was reporting to General Hux again after my training sessions with Dzhess and it was always the same, a stiff nod for me to give an update on what I had learned followed by a curt dismissal. I suppose he still demeaned me a disgrace for the incident weeks prior. I’m also fairly certain I saw the General scowl more when he saw me in company with Kylo. Speaking of said man, things hadn’t really changed with him either. We would train and in the heat of the moment steal passionate kisses then he would pretend like nothing ever happened. That man was still so infuriating! I thankfully hadn’t had anymore nightmares recently, which I was grateful for.

I stood in front of the mirror in the refresher in my room staring at my reflection, pulling my hair back in to a ponytail. I just couldn’t seem to get all the bumps out, _Oh come on?! Why can’t I get my damn hair to cooperate?! Is it so wrong to want to look cute?!_ I paused putting my arms down letting my long dark locks fall around me. _Wait... did I just think about looking cute? I mean it’s just a training lesson with Kylo... why do I care all of the sudden if I look cute or not?_ I shook my head pushing aside those thoughts and opted for throwing my hair up in to a messy bun before heading out the door towards the training room.

I entered the room and found Kylo in his usual spot in the center, “Morning.” I nodded. He just stood there staring at me not saying a word. He finally broke the silence, approaching me, “ Your hair is different...” He stoped right in front of me looking down, scrutinizing my petite form. “Yeah... well I thought I’d trying something else...” a slight blush started to creep up my cheeks when he brushed a stray strand behind my ear. He had a far away look in his eyes as he stared at me, “She used to wear buns too...” Kylo whispered, lost in his thoughts about the past. Afraid he would close himself off like he always did when I asked about his past, I let out a barely audible, “Who?” Kylo slid his hand down my cheek, eyes wandering about my face, “My mother...” he said quietly before pulling his hand back. “Let’s begin training.” Kylo picked up a few droids, turning them on before handing me a viproblade.

We had been practicing deflection techniques for sometime until there was a knock on the door. Kylo turned and waved his hand causing the door to open revealing Lieutenant Mitaka, “S...Sir... Commander, the Supreme Leader wishes to speak with you about some important matters.” The Lieutenant keep his eyes to the floor unable to look at Kylo. “Very well.” Kylo retrieved his helmet and followed the Lieutenant out the door. Before disappearing from my view entirely, “Keep practicing.” was all I heard from the modulated voice. I nodded in response and regained my stance.

After what seemed like ages, Kylo finally returned. I was panting, out of breath and soaked in sweat, “Wh... what did that... huff... bastard want?” I leaned up against the wall padding taking a break. Kylo was clenching and unclenching his fists, I could feel the tension radiating off of him. Kylo ignored my comment and took off his helmet, “Part of the map containing the location of Luke Skywalker has been found on Jakku.” Kylo pursed his lips together setting his helmet on a nearby bench. I leaned my head back and stared at the ceiling, “I thought Luke Skywalker was just a legend... I’d heard tell of him, a smuggler, and a princess while in the outer rim. But I honestly thought they were just glorified stories, like I know the resistance blew up the Death Star and what not, but...” My voice trailed off as I recalled the stories the Jawas would tell me about a moisture farmer that was from their home world of Tatooine, and how he became a Jedi master.

Kylo’s fists were balled at his sides, “He’s not just a story or a legend. He’s the last Jedi, and I plan to wipe him out.” I brought my gazed back down to Kylo who had his jaw clenched so tight I could see his muscles straining. I couldn’t hold back my grin while thinking how he looked like a cartoon character from one of those holovids who had a vein bulging out of their forehead when they’re angry. Kylo glared at me having read my thoughts. “You should stay out of my head then.” I smirked. Once again, rather than yelling at me for my remark he choose to ignore it, which I couldn’t help but find odd since he wasn’t normally this quiet. “When do you leave?” I asked folding my arms across my chest. “In three days. We are gathering some more information before we proceed.” I nodded, “I see.” “This will be our last training session before I return.” My head shot up, “What?!” I couldn’t help the surprise in my voice. Kylo smirked, “You sound as though you’re disappointed.” Regaining my composure, “Hardly, this will be a nice little vacation.” “Is that so?” Kylo closed the distance between us until I was pinned between him and the wall. Kylo placed his hand under my chin tilting my face up towards his. “This isn’t like you.” My words came out low and airy. “Stop talking.” Kylo commanded, his eyes burning in to mine.

Kylo leaned down, gently pressing his lips to mine. My eyes were wide in shock, I didn’t understand why he was doing this. Every other time we had kissed was when we had fought or been sparing. This was something completely different. My heart was racing. I finally closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around his back, hugging him close to me. Kylo slowly pulled away looking down at my slightly flushed cheeks. His thumb on the hand under my chin ghosted against my lips... _By my side_... the words sounded in my head as I had picked up only a piece of Kylo’s thoughts. Kylo captured my lips again, this time with more intensity. He pressed my back even farther up against the wall, hooking his free hand under my leg. Taking the hint, I wrapped both my legs around his waist as he supported me. He stopped his assault on my lips and started to work his way down my neck. His kisses felt like fire against my skin. I pulled his hips tighter against me, I was surprised when I could feel his excitement. He’d never let go like this before, my body was tingling. I wanted more of him.

I tugged at his tunic, pulling it open. Kylo leaned back allowing the garment to fall to the floor, while I was still suspended between him and the wall. His pants covered above his waist, but the part of his chest that was exposed, I couldn’t help but stare in awe. I knew he was well muscled, but I never realized how much so. I always thought his robes just made him bulky looking, not thinking it was actually just from his sheer size. I ran my hand across his right pectoral down to his pant line. I could feel him react to my touch. Kylo let out a low growl and once again captured my lips. Our tongues fighting for dominance. Tentatively, Kylo placed his hands on my stomach just under my shirt. When I didn’t stop him, making sure I didn’t mind, Kylo skimmed his hands over my back and stomach brushing against my bra. Unable to control himself, Kylo pulled one hand out grabbing the front of my shirt tearing it from my body, as if it was made of paper. Kylo’s half lidded eyes moved across my exposed skin, taking every detail. His eyes stopped on my scar, which was visible even with my bra. The dark reminder of my past that lay across my heart.

Kylo leaned down and placed a kiss on my scar. My body tensed, I had never let anyone touch that spot. It always disgusted me, I hated being reminded about what happened every time I saw it. Kylo slightly pulled back, his lips still ghosting over the scar, “It’s not disgusting or ugly.” His words shook me out of my thoughts, “But it is. It’s a horrid reminder of what they did to me.” Kylo rested his head atop my left breast still close to my scar, “It made you stronger. A weak person would have died, you did not. I see it as a testament to your power.” My lips slightly parted, I was shocked to say the least. Kylo had never complimented me before, and the only praise I had ever received was during training. I had no idea where this was coming from. “Did... something else happen when you saw Snoke?” Kylo let out a low hum that reverberated through my chest, “I saw a glimpse of what is to come.” “I see. It was that good huh?” Kylo nuzzled my chest before lowering me back down to the floor. “You’ll see in time.” Kylo retrieved his tunic and began to redress.

Finally regaining my senses, I walked over to where my shirt lay on the floor. I picked up what remained of the shirt, hanging the torn garment in front of me. “You could have at least kept my shirt in one piece so it was still wearable.” I huffed, glaring at Kylo. Kylo just smirked and started to head towards the door. “Wait!! I can’t go out like this?!” I gestured my hands to my exposed bra. Kylo reached out his right hand using the Force to throw a nearby towel at my face before exiting the room. With the towel draped over my face I growled out, “You bastard!” With a sigh I pulled off the towel and wrapped it around my chest before heading to the refresher for a shower.

As I stood under the warm spray of the shower, I couldn’t help but feel disappointed about Kylo leaving for a few days. I should be elated at the fact that I get to have a little break, and yet... I couldn’t stop thinking about the events that had unfolded just a little while ago. The way he kissed me, it felt so intimate. Our previous kisses always felt more carnal, as if we were using them as a means of escape. But this time, there was such tenderness, like I had always imagined it would be like kissing the one you love. I stared up at the shower ceiling, _Love? Is that what I felt? No, it’s not possible! ... is it?_ My chest felt tight and heavy like a tauntaun was sitting on it. I placed my hand over my scar, _How could anyone ever love a broken creature like me?_ I shook my head refusing to dwell on these ridiculous thoughts any longer. _I’m merely reading too much in to this._

I turned off the water, wrapped a towel around myself and stepped up to the foggy mirror. I wiped my hand across the mirror’s damp surface, exposing a portion of the reflective surface. I studied my electric blues eyes, wet dark hair, slightly tanned skin, then the scar that was barely exposed under my towel. When I looked back up to my face, I saw the visage of the me from my dream. I was startled and jumped back touching my face, as quickly as I saw that evil face, it was gone. My heart was pounding in my chest. Not taking another chance of seeing that... thing again, I headed to the dryers before getting dressed and heading back to my room.

As I lay on my bed I still couldn’t stop thinking about Kylo. “Ughs!” I rubbed my hands over my face in frustration. _Had he just kept everything the way it was, this wouldn’t be an issue! Why did he change now?_ I peeked through my fingers, my eyes scanning the room until they fell on the bottle of wine. _I know this is a terrible excuse to drink, but I’ve used worse reasons to drink! Plus, I’ll just have a glass or two to help take the edge off._ I sat up and grabbed the bottle. I looked around realizing that I didn’t actually have a glass to drink it out of. _Oh well! Guess I’m drinking from the bottle!_ I tore the cork out using the Force and took a few sips. “Oh heavens! I forgot how good wine is! It’s been too long!”

Before I knew it, I drained the whole bottle. _Is the room moving or is it me?_ I felt so good! Although my tolerance had apparently decreased tremendously. I couldn’t stifle my giggles. My cheeks were a little flushed, but I felt great! I stubbled grabbing my datapad and opened the messages to compose a new one:

_Heyyyy!_

_Wheree you at?? Asdfg_

I hit Send and the message was on its way to none other than Kylo Ren. After a few seconds, I got a response.

_Alyssandra, what’s wrong? Where are you currently?_

As I read his response, I could feel Kylo trying to enter my thoughts. My drunken state made it hard for him to connect to me. I typed back:

_I’mf in myy room. Y?_

I giggled and tossed my datapad on the couch and stumbled back towards my bed. “Wha... why is it so hot?” I slurred as I pulled off my sweat pants and very un-gracefully flopped on to my bed in just my tank top and underwear. There was a knock on my door, “Whooooo isss itttt!” “Alyssandra open the door!” I waved my hand from my bed and the door slid open. Kylo stormed in shutting the door behind him, “What have you...” his voice trailed off as his eyes fell on me laying on the bed. “Heyyy Kylo!” I slurred as I tried to sit up but fell back down giggling. Kylo looked around the room and saw the empty wine bottle. “You’re drunk.” Kylo deadpanned with a sigh. “Why did you drink the whole bottle?” Kylo walked over and sat on the bed next to me. “Because of you, that’s why.” I giggled. “Because of me?” “Yes! You are such a damn pain! And you’re like confusing ya know. Like one second you’re mean, next you seem like you really care bout me. Which is it? Huh? Do you care for me?” I slurred trying to make sense through my drunken haze. Kylo clenched his fists, his eyes trailing down my legs, “So you got drunk because of me. Let me ask you this, how do you see me?” I sat up swaying on the bed. “I... I think I... lov... I mean... I like you. I’m sad you’re leaving.” Kylo turned to me quirking an eyebrow, “Are you still going to make me pay?” I leaned over and rested my head on his shoulder, “Hmmm probably, but not right now.” I closed my eyes and nuzzled my face in to his neck. I drifted off to sleep resting on Kylo. Kylo shifted me over, laying me down on the bed before covering me with blankets. He sat down on the bed beside me and tucked my hair behind my ear, “I saw the garden too, and our first born. You will be my queen.” Kylo kissed my forehead, his words sounded as though it was merely part of my dream in my drunken state. I drifted off in to complete unconsciousness as I felt the bed shift from Kylo leaving. The one part of me that had some semblance as to what was going on really hoped I remembered all of this in the morning...

 

 


	12. Stop Looking Start Seeing

**Chapter 12: Stop Looking Start Seeing**

 

I woke up with a pounding headache, I glanced over at my datapad which was placed on my nightstand, _Didn’t I throw that on the couch at some point? How is it already past the lunch cycle? What the hell was that wine made of?!_ I groaned rolling on to my back, attempting to mentally prepare myself to get up. I had managed to finally get upright when the door slid open to Bebe rolling in, trying to balance a tray on its head. “Hey little one, what have you got there?” I leaned over taking the tray before the droid crashed in to the side of the bed. Bebe let out a few beeps shaking its head from the collision, “This is from Kylo you say? That’s surprising...” my voice trailed off. Bebe chirped informing me that Kylo was very adamant that I finish everything on the tray, and that I no longer drunk message people on my datapad.

 

I paused half way through lifting off the lid of the tray, “Whoa whoa! Wait?! I did what?!” My head throbbed as my voice rose. I pressed the palm of my hand to my temple in an attempt to dull the ache, “What exactly happened?”Before I could get an answer from the droid, it let out a series of beeps saying it had another job to do. Bebe rolled out as quickly as it could, but not before running in to the door frame twice. I sighed and finally removed the tray’s lid. There were a couple bottles of water, an electrolyte package, pain pills, and a sandwich from today’s lunch cycle.

 

I mixed the electrolytes in to one of the water bottles, and chugged it down greedily before taking the pain pills. Resting my head back against the headboard I closed my eyes taking a few minutes before attempting to eat. I let the silence of my room relax me as I tried to reach Kylo, _Are you busy?_ There was a pregnant pause before he responded, _What is it?_ I frowned at his taut response. _Sorry for bothering you,_ even with my thoughts I knew he could sense my sarcasm, _I merely wanted to thank you for the supplies you sent me, and apologize for my behavior._ There was another long pause before he finally responded, _What do you remember from last night?_ I tried to concentrate and see if I could recall anything, the only thing I remembered was having a few sips of wine and feeling good... wait... I remember thinking that I really hoped I remembered what happened... but what did happen? _All I remember is having few sips and being buzzed, that’s it._ Kylo remained silent before dismissively brushing me off, _It’s of no consequence. Do not let it happen again, no one else is allowed to see you like that. Do you understand? I must be going._ Before I could retort, our connection was gone. I opened my eyes and stared at my ceiling, _Asshat..._

 

I nibbled on my sandwich trying not to eat it too quickly and make myself sick. Being alone in the solitude of my room had my mind wandering now that the headache had finally ebbed away. My thoughts kept drifting to Kylo leaving for Jakku in two days, my heart sank at the thought of not seeing him. I couldn’t lie to myself anymore, I truly did care about that man, even if he was a giant man child who pissed me off most of the time. I had just gotten so used to being around him, it was actually weird knowing I wouldn’t see him for a few days... the events from the previous day in the training room replayed in my head. I couldn’t help the blush that crept over my cheeks thinking about the way Kylo had kissed me, I really wish I could remember what happened last night... I set my tray aside and slid back under the covers, the physical toll of my hangover left me exhausted. Since I didn’t have to actually be anywhere for once I just decided to drift back off to sleep.

 

Hours had passed, and it was the middle of the sleep cycle when I woke back up. I stretched out on my bed debating what I should do given the time. _I suppose I could go to the training room for a bit, hopefully then I’ll be able to sleep some more._ I got dressed and threw my hair up in to a ponytail. I wandered down the empty hallway past a few mouse droids and the occasional trooper or officer. I turned the corner and almost collided with the General. Hux looked up from his datapad, his gaze running over my form, a perplexed look crossing his features. “What are you doing up at this hour? Shouldn’t you be in bed?” Hux said tersely. Annoyed that he was still holding the pilot incident against me. I couldn’t help the bitterness in my voice, “My apologies, I didn’t know that I was to be confined to my room, only allowed out when approved by you.” Hux scowled, his lips pursing in to a thin line, “Have care with how you speak to me Alyss, I’m still your General.” I scoffed, “Oh! So now you’re actually acknowledging me again as working with you? I thought I was just as bad as rebel scum?” I crossed my arms glowering right back at him. “Perhaps next time you will actually prove your loyalty to the Supreme Leader and the First Order... I... still have high hopes for you Alyssandra.” Hux stepped past me, his shoulder brushing mine as he walked away. I turned my head, my eyes following him as he made his way down the hall.

 

“What did the General have to say to you?” The familiar modulated voice caused me to snap my head back, facing the way I had previously been going. _Why the hell are these two up at this hour?! Honestly! Don’t they sleep?!_ “I ran in to him on my way to the training room...” “Why are you going to the training room in the middle of the sleep cycle?” I shifted on my feet, “Well, I slept most of the day and was no longer tired so I decided to go train... Why? Am I no longer permitted to train when I please? Plus, you’re not going to be here, so I might as well enjoy peace while I can.” I folded my arms with a smirk. Kylo qaclenched and unclenched his fists a few times. “I expect to see an improvement when I return. _Don’t_ disappoint me.” Kylo was yet again a swirling mass of black robes down the hall.

 

_Could he be more dramatic?_ I let out an audible sigh and continued on my way. I trained for a few hours until I was finally tired once again, not wanting to completely ruin my sleep schedule, I took a nap and when I awoke I set out on my own personal mission for the day. Since Kylo would be gone, I figured I might as well take this opportunity to get a new outfit and weapons. If I’m ever going to go on a mission, I can’t just go in sweats and a tank. Not to mention, the clothes I had with me when I came here have long since been discarded.

 

I made my way to Dzhessika’s office and tapped on the door, “You may enter.” The doors slid open to reveal Dzhess at her desk with her glasses on, hair a mess, and datapads scattered all over the place. “Uhhh... is this a bad time?” Dzhess growled and slammed her fists on the desk, “This is all because of that son of a bitch!” My eyes were wide in shock from her actually swearing out loud and not just in her head. I made sure the door closed before she could say anything else. “So... I take it things are going ‘ _well_ ’...” I walked over and sat on her desk picking up one of the datapads. “Wait a second... are these... all expense reports?!” “Yes! Dammit! These are all from Kylo Ren! This is what his temper tantrums cost us! Not to mention that damn ginger fuck has decided to punish me with all of this!” Dzhess seethed out. “Great! You should take a break then and show me where the weapons and clothing providers are.” I couldn’t help my wolfish grin. Dzhess leaned back in her chair, “Fine. I get the weapons department, but why clothing?” I stumbled over my words, “Well... I... I just... want to wear um... other clothes?” “Uh huh. And this has nothing to do with the one who caused all these expense reports does it?” “No, it doesn’t!” My cheeks started to get a light dusting of blush across them. “Whatever you say. I can’t stand to look at these anymore, so let’s go.”

 

Dzhess first took me to the weapons department a few levels up. We were greeted by a stoic looking man who was working on a blaster. “Lieutenant, what brings you here? Is your blaster canon malfunctioning?” “No, we’re here to get Kylo Ren’s apprentice new weaponry. We stand to reason that she may be in need of it in the near future.” I have to give it to the woman, she knows what to say, I tried to conceal my grin at how eloquent Dzhess made everything sound. The man turned his attention to me, “Well, what is it that you want? I can’t build you a lightsaber you know.” “Well, Sir.” I did my best to be respectful so as to not upset him, “I prefer to use twin swords. Is there anyway to adapt them to... well, hone and access my fire abilities with them?” The weapons master rubbed his chin thoughtfully, “Give me a few days and I’ll contact you when I’m ready.” The man dismissed us and went back to his work.

 

“Thank you Sir. This way then Alyss.” I turned on my heel and followed Dzhess back out in to the hallway to the elevator. We went down few more levels before we reached our next destination. We passed the laundry room where the droids were pressing and ironing uniforms. I couldn’t help but be slightly mesmerized by scene, I had never been down here and I found it fascinating. “Come on Alyss.” Dzhess drawled out. I trotted up beside her until we reached the main office area of the laundry floor. An older woman with her grey hair pulled back in a tight bun looked up at us. “Ah Dzhessika, What can I do for you?” Dzhess stood at attention, her authority rolling off of her. I could see why Dzhess was such a well respected Lieutenant, she knew how to command a room. “This is Kylo Ren’s apprentice, and she is in need of a new wardrobe befitting being at his side.” The older woman chuckled, “Ah, I see. Do you have a preference? Or shall I just put something together and see what you think?” I thought about it for a minute, since I honestly couldn’t decide what I wanted, I opted for her to just surprise me. “Very well then. I’ll have it ready before Commander Ren returns from his mission.” I thanked the woman before we headed out the door.

 

“Thanks again a Dzhess. I appreciate your help. I probably would have gotten lost numerous times before finding these people.” We stepped aboard the elevator. “You’re welcome. Besides, I needed a break. I just hope Commander Ren doesn’t throw anymore hissy fits when he returns.” It dawned on me that everyone was speaking as if Kylo had already left, “Did Kylo leave already? I thought he wasn’t supposed to depart until tomorrow?” The doors opened to Dzhess’ floor, “Apparently he left early today during the breakfast cycle. He should be back tomorrow or the next day I presume. Well, it was good seeing you Alyss. Try to stay out of trouble.” Dzhess waved goodbye as she headed down the hall back to her office.

 

For the rest of the elevator ride back to my floor, I couldn’t help but wonder why he had left early, and why he didn’t tell me. Not that it was my business, but still... my heart sank at the thought that Kylo wouldn’t say goodbye before he left. I suppose it was just wishful thinking on my part. I sighed looking at the time on my datapad, it was already the lunch cycle. Rather than just going back to my room, I dragged my feet down the hall towards the dinning hall located on my floor. It was smaller than the main one, but it got the job done.

 

After eating and wandering about the halls, I was bored out of my mind. I finally wandered back to my room and began reading Tie Fighter logistics and diagnostics. Hours had passed and my eyes began to grow heavy. Before I knew it, I fell asleep with my face pressed to my datapad. I woke up to a feeling of rage which was radiating in my head. It had to have been coming from Kylo. _Is he back already?_ I groggily opened my eyes, _How long was I asleep for?_ I looked down at my datapad to see it was already the following day, well in to the evening cycle. _How? How did I sleep that long and not realize it?_ I felt very unsettled, something has been different about me ever since that dream. Then I saw that face again in the mirror a few days ago, and now I’m losing track of time and myself. _What’s going on with me?_

 

There was slight pain in my temple, I glanced down at my reflection on the datapad and my blood ran cold. My eyes were again the inhuman black and red, with the red lines running down my face. I threw my datapad across the room, running in to the refresher to check my reflection in the mirror. The other me was gone, all I saw were my normal electric blues eyes and slightly tanned skin. _What the hell?_ As I stared in to the mirror, a loud screeching sound filled my ears causing me to cry out in pain. I collapsed on the floor with my hands clamped over my ears. My vision turned red and I saw the battlefield once again with Kylo and the unnamed girl. A distorted female voice that sounded like me, but also not, filled my ears. _You can’t stop me Alyss, we will destroy everything. We will watch the galaxy burn..._ “No!” I cried out. _You can’t stop this Alyss, we are one. It’s already begun._ The scene before me blurred in to flames, and I was once again in the refresher on the floor.

 

My body was trembling and blood dripped from my nose. The terror I felt shook me to the core. I couldn’t hold back the bile that rose up in my throat. After wiping my mouth clean and regaining my composure, all I wanted was to see Kylo. I didn’t know who else to turn to. I was pretty sure he had actually returned and it wasn’t just part of whatever the hell just happened. I used the Force to try and feel out Kylo’s location. When I finally made contact with him, I asked him in a panic where he was. _Why do you wish to know?_ I could tell Kylo was already angry. _Please! I begged_ , my fear causing my thoughts to come across pitched and hurried. _Interrogation rooms. I have business with a resistance pilot. You are to stay outside. Do you understand?_ I breathed a sigh of relief, _Yes sir._ With the information I was given, I ran down the hallway to the elevators frantically pushing the buttons before once again taking off towards Kylo’s location. I stopped outside the interrogation room doors next to the stormtroopers stationed outside. I could hear a man screaming behind the closed doors. General Hux rounded the corner stopping in front of the doors staring at me, “Don’t tell me you’re actually going to assist in the interrogation this time Alyssandra.” I glared back at the General, “I’m here to see Commander Ren.” Before Hux could say anything else, the screaming stopped and the doors slid open. “It’s in a droid. A BB unit.” Kylo’s modulated voice resonated throughout the hallway. I caught a glimpse of the pilot before the doors closed, he looked close to my age maybe a little older, with curly dark hair and tanned skin. The pilot had blood running his face, veins were bulging out in his neck and temple from the physical and mental torture.

 

My attention snapped back to the two men before me. “Well, then. If it’s on Jakku we’ll soon have it.” Hux smirked in confidence. “I leave that to you. Come Alyssandra.” Kylo was already making his way down the hall before I had a chance to even start walking. I finally caught up to Kylo after we rounded a few corners. “Ky... Sir...” since we were still out in the open I did my best to be as respectful as possible for once. “What happened? I felt a disturbance from you.” Kylo stopped and turned to face me. “Well... I... that’s what I wanted to...” before I could finish my sentence the high pitched screeching rang in my ears once again. My vision started to turn red then black. I couldn’t hold back my screams from the pain. Before I blacked out I saw my reflection in the silver of Kylo’s helmet. My eyes were black with my irises red... I couldn’t put in to words the cold fear that ran through my body. I knew this time I wasn’t hallucinating... it was real. Before anymore screams could rack my body, I passed out and fell limply in Kylo’s arms.


	13. I Don’t Know How You Feel, But All I Want Is You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I know it's been wayyy too long! I had never really experienced writer's block before until this chapter. I hated the direction it was taking when I originally started writing and end up scrapping it multiple times, but I'm now really happy how it turned out! Thank you all for sticking with me, and I'm sorry for the wait! I hope you enjoy!

**Chapter 13: I Don’t Know How You Feel, But All I Want Is You...**

 

I awoke to the low hum of droids moving about the room. I could feel the soft, yet stiff, bedding underneath my supine form. I slowly opened my eyes, taking in my surroundings. I was in a private room in the medical bay. As I looked around, I saw the two medical droids that were producing the hum that woke me. I looked down the length of the bed and to my surprise was met with the familiar black mask staring back at me, resting upon clasped hands. “You’re awake.” The modulated voice filled the room, sounding more like a question than a statement. Panic shot through me as I recalled the events that occurred before I passed out. I frantically touched my face trying to feel a difference, “Is it still there?! Are the markings there?!” I started to sit up in my panicked state, but felt Kylo’s use of the Force slowly putting me back in place on the bed. “It’s gone. You’re back to normal.” Kylo lowered his left hand and leaned back in the chair. Calming slightly my next words came out shakier than I had intended, “Wha... what is it?” Once again the modulated voice filled the room, “They ran your blood work, it would appear that you are of something that we don’t have in our species database.” My brows furrowed in confusion, “That doesn’t make sense... I’m human.” Kylo let out an audible breath, “It would appear that you are not. You are humanoid but we don’t know exactly what you are.” The words hit me like a herd of stampeding banthas; _If I’m not human or anything known, then what am?_

“What you are is of no consequence. You are my apprentice.” Kylo shifted slightly in his chair. My gaze met the optical portion of his mask, “That... thing that I... that I turned in to said we would destroy everything, that I could not stop it. That I would bring death and destruction to the galaxy and those I love...” My voice trailed off as my gaze fell down to the bed. Kylo dismissed the medical droids and closed the door behind them. The hiss of his helmet being removed filled my ears. He sat his helmet on the chair he had previously been occupying and walked to the side of my bed looking down at me. “Are you not the same woman who threw me into a TIE Fighter? The same woman who fought back against the Supreme Leader? Do you truly find yourself incapable of being able to control what is happening? If so, I mistook you for something greater than just the mere girl you think you are.” My eyes locked on to his as he looked down at me, “I know my strength! I am merely afraid of...” “Of what?!” Kylo’s yell startled and enraged me, “I’m afraid that I will hurt you! I can’t stand the thought of hurting you now! I just can’t!” Kylo quickly shook the look of surprise from his face and slowly reached a gloved hand under my chin, tilting my head up to look at him. “Do you think I am incapable of defending myself? There had been a time when you despised me, saw me as a monster. Now, you worry for my safety...” he smirked as he leaned down placing a soft kiss on my lips. “You are mine. I will not allow anyone to take you from me, not even whatever resides within you.”

Before Kylo could place another kiss on my lips, the ship’s battle alarm starting blaring in through every corridor. Kylo begrudgingly pulled away. Confused I tilted my head in Kylo’s direction as he stalked off snatching up his helmet. “Is it the Resistance pilot?” That was the only thing I could think of that could have caused this. Kylo, now wearing his helmet, ignored my question but paused before sliding the door open, “Stay here.” The modulated voice commanded before he disappeared out of the medical bay.

Minutes had passed as I laid on the bed staring up at the ceiling, but the alarm continued to blare. One of the medic droids was taking my vitals for what felt like the hundredth time. “Like hell I’m just going to sit here...” unable to sit idly by any longer, I swung my legs over the side of the bed and shakily made my way to the door ignoring the medic droid’s protests. Once out of the med bay, I leaned up against the hallway wall as I regained my bearings. Whatever the droids had given me was still making me woozy. I felt as though I was aboard an aquatic ship rather than a galactic one due to the fact everything seemed to be undulating. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths to try and steady myself before moving forward. I figured that even in my drugged state I’d at least be of some use should it be needed, especially if this was a Rebel attack. I used the walls to help keep my balance as I pushed forward towards where I felt Kylo’s presence.

After what felt like ages, I stopped before the doorway to the room I sensed Kylo was in, which turned out to be the command center. The alarm abruptly stopped and I could faintly hear Kylo speaking to someone as they moved closer to my position. “How capable are your soldiers, General?” The familiar modulated voice shot back. “I won’t have you question my methods!” I could hear the loathing dripping from every word as it left General Hux’s mouth. Both men stopped moving towards the exit where I was currently eavesdropping from, and Kylo spoke again, “They’re obviously skilled at committing high treason. Perhaps Leader Snoke should consider using a clone army.” I couldn’t help the small grin that crept across my face at the snarky response. Even though I could not see his face from my current position, I could tell by the tone of his voice Hux was furious, “My men are exceptionally trained. Programmed from birth.” “Then they should have no problem retrieving the droid. Unharmed.” Even with Kylo’s modulator it was easy to hear the loathing he had for the man in front of him. “Careful, Ren, that your personal interests not interfere with orders from Leader Snoke.” The smugness in the General’s voice with that remark absolutely irritated me and, apparently, Kylo as well. “I want that map! For your sake... I suggest you get it.” I could hear the swish of Kylo’s robes and feel his rage as he made for the exit. _What map were they talking about... ah shit he’s coming this way..._

I tried my best to retreat from the hall before Kylo got there, but due to my drugged state I only made it about two feet. “What are you doing here?” I could hear the anger in his voice, and the creaking of his gloves as he clenched his fists. I slowly turned towards him and glared at the black void of his helmet. “I came in case you needed assistance.” Kylo came closer, looming over me, “And of what use could you possibly be in this state.” He could clearly tell I was not at my best and still using the wall as a lifeline. “Must you always be such an ass?” Before I could make anymore quips Kylo snatched me up in his arms and began taking me down the hall to an unknown destination. Not being able to cling to the wall made my head spin even more. I felt like I was in one of those joy rides that moved up and down while spinning, completely disorienting you. I pressed my cheek closer to Kylo’s chest as I squeezed my eyes shut. Of course, the man couldn’t walk slowly to make the journey a little less dreadful, instead he was in full stride causing me to become even more disoriented and motion sick. I could hear Kylo’s heart hammering against my right ear. Trying to give myself something to focus on, I listened to its fast rhythmic beat. His rage was still rolling off of him even to the point I could hear it in his heart beat, at least the rapid steady drum helped to quell some of the sickness I was feeling from the medicine’s side effects.

When we finally reached our destination, Kylo paused and extended forward one hand to open the door to the room we were entering. Still unable to open my eyes, I was surprised to feel a soft surface under my body. I heard Kylo’s helmet hiss as he removed it, then the rustling of clothes. I felt the surface I was laying on dip as Kylo’s presence came closer. I slowly opened my eyes, grateful that everything had at least stopped spinning, and was surprised to see that I was on a bed. I looked over and saw Kylo sitting shirtless on the edge, “You took me to your room?” He smirked, “If I took you back to the medical bay you wouldn’t stay there. I don’t need you impeding our operations due to your lack of ability to take orders.” “So let me guess, you’re going to keep me here so you can keep an eye on me.” I said dryly. “I need sleep.” Kylo deadpanned as he slid in next me.

At a loss for words I made a high pitched “Uh!” sound. “What?” Kylo scowled as he lay on his side facing me. “Oh I don’t know, how about the fact that you’re just laying here in bed half naked with me, while I’m doped up on meds.” Kylo closed his eyes and let out a long breath through his nose, “Stop talking.” The next thing I know, Kylo is pulling me close against his unclothed chest, tucking my head under his. I couldn’t help the blush that spread over my cheeks and chest. His flesh was so warm, I couldn’t help but think of the time in the training room when I had previously felt his bare chest. I couldn’t stop myself from running a hand over one of his firm pectoral muscles, I could feel his muscle react to my touch. When my eyes traveled back to Kylo’s face, I was surprised to see him scowling down at me. “What?” I couldn’t help the sly grin that crept across my lips. Kylo closed his eyes and let out an annoyed breath through his nose, “I told you I need sleep.” “Well maybe you should wear a shirt to bed! And oh I don’t know, not force me to stay here because you think I am incapable of taking care of myself currently.” I huffed out, turning my face away from his.

Before I could register what was happening, Kylo was above me, his large frame pinning me beneath him. “You ARE currently INCAPABLE of taking care of yourself. This was evident by the simple fact you could not walk down the hallway on your own. With the a Rebel on the loose with a traitorous Stormtrooper, the last thing I need to worry about is you being stubborn and getting yourself hurt!” I was in shock. I didn’t know how to react to the fact that he said he was worried about my safety. He truly did care in his own messed up, bizarre way, like I did for him. All of my prior combative attitude ebbed away as I stared in to eyes of the man I cared for who was hovering above me. It felt like an eternity passed before my voice broke the silence between us. “That’s why I left the medical bay,” Kylo furrowed his brow and tilted his head waiting for me to continue, “I was worried about you. Knowing that you could possibly be facing an enemy alone bothered me. I... I realized I would do everything in my power to be by your side. I would rather go down fighting by your side than staying put. I realize how... unconventional our relationship is... but your the first person in a long time that I’d be willing to take blaster fire for. I honestly wouldn’t know what to do if you weren’t around...”

Kylo remained silent, studying my features. Rather than saying it aloud, Kylo’s voice came in through my thoughts, Then you understand why I told you to stay put and why I brought you here. Part of me has become distracted when you are near or potentially in harms way. I do not wish to lose you. Without hesitation, I pulled Kylo’s face down towards mine, kissing him with all of the passion and emotion I felt for him. The room felt like it was spinning, this time not due to the medicine but to the joy I felt. I never thought I’d care for someone ever again, nor them for me after what happened in my past. Even the terrifying future of what I could possibly be didn’t seem to matter now. Kylo was not supposed to say such things as he had to me just now. I knew he truly meant every word, I could feel it through our Force connection.

Kylo pulled back and started peppering kisses down my jaw. He slipped one hand under my shirt on to my stomach then paused, looking at me for approval. I nodded and in one fell swoop I saw my shirt sailed across the room. I couldn’t hold back my chuckle at his actions. Kylo smirked before once again peppering me with kisses. He reached the spot over my left breast where my horrid scar was. Like last time, he placed a kiss over my scar. He looked up into my eyes before making his way back to my lips, passionately kissing me as he removed the remainder of my clothing and his...

I laid back in Kylo’s arms, both of us covered in sweat and trying to catch our breaths. There was no telling how much time had passed and his bed looked like a battle zone, with extra pillows thrown about and blankets falling off almost all three sides of the bed. I rolled over on to Kylo’s chest, our breathing finally returning to normal. I leaned up, brushing aside some his hair that was sticking to his forehead from sweat, and placed one more soft kiss to his lips. Kylo leaned down grabbing one of the bed sheets to cover us and before I could say anything, Kylo wrapped his arm around my waist pulling my body to his. “Sleep,” was the only thing he said. I could feel him trying to use the Force on me to get me to do as he asked. I sighed in to his left pectoral, which I was laying on, before doing as he said and drifting off to sleep.


End file.
